Even if a break-up was inevitable and you're sure you are better
off, you cannot automatically stop caring about the other person.
It's commonplace to wonder how they've been doing, what they've been
up to, and most importantly, whether they still miss you or they've
moved on. Post break-up jealousy is sometimes an even bigger issue
than the one you ultimately feel when you're in a relationship
because now you get to actually face your worst nightmare when he or
she gets a new date. All the anonymous potential date vultures have
now merged and materialized into one real person of flesh and blood.
And maybe the worst part of it all is that you no longer have the
right to protest. Your first impulse is to feel angry, betrayed and
disappointed. As much as you try to overcome these emotions, they
keep seizing you and making you freak out.
Fortunately, this issue is a pretty common one and - believe it or not
- not half as hard to overcome as it seems in the beginning. Here are
some suggestions to help you overcome such jealousy following a
break-up.
!! Steps !!
Get yourself together. Repeat to yourself as much as it takes that
eventually everything will turn out for the better. Remember that it
is not a real, physical factor that instigates your anger, fear and
panic. There is nothing coming up that threatens you; rather, it's
all inside of you and your job is to get rid of it in order to feel
in harmony again. Once you convince yourself you're safe, you will
start feeling in control and capable of dealing with all sorts of
negative emotions.
* Take a head-on approach to your negative feelings. Rather than
regarding them as inevitable and natural, seek ways to change them
into helpful attitudes, ones that will support you rather than
cause you to feel powerless and helpless. Be fully aware that
negative emotions keep you connected to the loss, while a positive
attitude allows you to let go of the person while still
acknowledging that you once had a relationship with this person
without causing you to feel upset.[1]
* Be kind to yourself. Do you really need to put yourself through
this? No!
Do not spend time thinking about what your jealousy is "actually"
about. Focusing on the negative emotions will put you in a
vulnerable position. You can easily confuse the anger and fear as
meaning that you're still in love with your ex and that you need
to get them back. Obsessing over their new flame - who they are,
what they do, how they can be eliminated - is even worse and more
dangerous. Thoughts about _them_ will not help you realize what
_you_ don't like about yourself and what you need to change. Such
thoughts will only trap you in more fear, self-doubt, pain, and
jealousy and will prevent you from moving on.
* Bear in mind that dissecting the nitty gritty of what could or
should have been is a way of living in the past, and of letting
nostalgia trap you into a certain period of life. Although often
stated, the apt adage "It is better to have loved and lost than to
never have loved at all" is as equally often overlooked; yet, it
is far healthier to appreciate that you once loved this person but
that now it is time to move on. It is possible to cherish the
experience for what it was without letting it drag you back all
the time.
* And if you really can't stop wondering, at its most basic,
jealousy is about wanting something you feel you don't have. The
only lesson for you to take away from this is to answer for
yourself what it is that's missing inside of you and to remedy it
by concentrating more on personal growth (see steps below). Think
of it this way – even if you did get X person back, would this
deep gnawing gap inside be filled? No – because no person can
fill an internal dissatisfaction; only you have that power.
Look around. Yes, look around - your home, your office, your family,
friends, career, etc. Acknowledge all the great people and
opportunities surrounding you. Focus on the people who make you
happy. Think of as many as possible nice things people have
complimented you about; doing so will help you to start feeling
confident and grateful, triggering you to want to accomplish more of
the good stuff that brings you joy, salvages the burns from jealousy
and fills the emptiness. Get a buffer, at least in the beginning.
If you're extremely lucky, you will rarely or never see your ex and
their new boy-/girlfriend again. However, if you cannot avoid
bumping into them, make sure you're not alone whenever you know you
can't avoid the awkward encounter. Having a buffer, an accomplice,
will make you feel more secure. Friends and colleagues will also
distract you and prevent you from obsessing over the happy couple.
* Listen to your friends and family. It is possible that they have a
sound perspective of the situation as it has developed and can
provide you with solid advice for coping with it. Don't
automatically assume that they'll say anything just to make you
feel better; look for the gems of truth.
Take the high road. Of course, you can't always be accompanied by
someone else to help you balance the delicate situation. When the
inevitable meet-up happens and you're by yourself, be both nice and
reserved. It is essential to be polite, but no one expects from you
to treat them as your best buddies. Trying that would look both
awkward and insincere and would only stress you more.
* Have quick exit excuses already planned, such as: "It's great to
see you Bob/Jane. I'm sorry I can't stay and chat, I've got a hair
appointment I'm already late for."; or "Great to see you Bob/Jane!
Wish I could talk but I've got to collect my boss from the airport
and the traffic's bad."; or, simply: "Hi Bob/Jane. It's good to
see you looking so well. I'll see you around!" You don't need to
offer an explanation unless you want to, but try your best not to
give away your feelings through facial expressions or by brushing
them off rudely.
* Look your best. This is not in order to make your ex realize what
he or she's lost (and want you back) or to prove to anyone that
you're better than their new beloved one. Do it because you
deserve it, you owe it yourself to shine and show the world the
best you can be. There is no better remedy for overcoming jealousy
and spite than a fresh infusion of self-confidence.
* Keep yourself busy. Finding something to keep you
occupied constantly will take up all your time, ensuring that at
the end of the day you'll be too tired and proud of your
accomplishments to even think about negative stuff. On the other
hand, this will guarantee you the admiration and jealousy (!) of
the others and once again convince you how amazing you are. This
can be a great opportunity to let your creative side blossom and
to improve professional self if you treat it as a time of personal
growth and allow yourself the necessary opportunities.
* Make your priority you. Whatever you do, remember that all your
actions should be focused on moving on. Once you become the most
important person in your life, you'll realize you've been moving
on so fast, that the past will bee too far behind to think about.
Your ex and the other woman/man will be just a vague memory, a
part of your experience and nothing more.
!! Tips !!
* Remember all those things you never had the time to do because you
were too busy with your relationship? Indulge in that juicy pile
of unread magazines, spend a whole weekend working on your car,
prepare yourself that sinfully delicious looking dessert or go to
that new store you always drive by but never went into. Now you
have both the opportunity and the necessity to keep busy with
pleasant activities like these.
* Change, change, change! Reorganize your apartment, paint some
walls, get a new hairstyle. When you're done, do the same thing
for your best friend. Any new improvement in your life will
refresh your mind and make you feel much better.
!! Warnings !!
* Flirt, but carefully! It is never recommended to rush
into a new relationship immediately after a break-up. Even less so
if your motive is to even the score or make your ex jealous. In
the end you will just have more issues to deal with. Instead allow
yourself healthy little portions of non-engaging flirty chatting
or dancing once in a while. But no serious dating until you feel
the ability and need to commit again.
!! Things You'll Need !!
* Journal – for some people, writing down feelings is the best way
of sorting through them
* New opportunities and hobbies
!! Related WikiHows !!
* How to Avoid Jealousy when Your Crush is Dating Your Enemy
* How to Get Over a Break Up
* How to Deal With a Jealous Person
* How to Handle Jealousy
* How to Talk to Your Friend About Jealousy
!! Sources And Citations !!
!! Article Tools !!
* Read on wikiHow
*
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