It may seem strange, but helping others makes some people happy,
while being the object of help can make some people feel the
opposite. While it may sound simple enough, accepting help is
something that is extremely challenging for all of us at one time or
another, and for some of us, it's continuously difficult. It can be
especially hard for those who have a mindset that suggests that
seeking help undermines our sense of independence, abilities, and
ability to cope.
On the opposite side, however, we deny the reality of being socially
connected beings who also need to connect, co-operate and help one
another to ensure that we thrive. Here are some suggestions to help
you overcome seeing asking for help as a sign of weakness.
!! Steps !!
Fear of ridicule at your expense might be one reason for rejecting
help Consider exactly why you think that asking for help is a sign
of weakness. There are many possible reasons that might be
influencing your reluctance to seek help from others, and it is
important to try and narrow down exactly what reasons apply for your
situation and feelings. Ultimately, if you have no real interest in
investigating why you may feel a certain way, you have no real chance
of gaining an insight [1] and understanding. Consequently no method
will really prove satisfactory. Only after you have worked out what
and why you feel can you start to deal with the problem at hand. Some
of the following reasons might be applicable to you, singly or in
combination. In case the following options don't match your case
exactly, write down or just consider your exact feelings and
position:
* You may feel that you're totally independent and don't need any
help, or that any person offering you help may be doubting your
ability to remain independent. You might have been raised to be
especially independent or felt independent from an early age by
dint of circumstances, such as if you had irresponsible parents
and had to "raise yourself".
* You may be frightened of rejection or you may be under the
influence of perfectionism [2]; both motivations can cause you to
not even try and reach out for fear of failing or being seen as a
failure.
* You may have had a much harder life than others and had to work
harder than others you see around you now, or you may simply feel
yourself far more independent. Consequently, you might feel that
people not handling their own affairs is a sign of inferiority or
incompetence.
* You might feel vulnerable. Perhaps somebody let you down some
while back and you swore never to let that happen again, and spun
a cocoon of self-reliance [3] as your chief defense. Not wanting
to show your perceived vulnerability can cause you to refrain from
asking for help.
* You may feel that your experience of the insecurity [4] that flows
through life (such as through experiencing a difficult illness or
other challenging problem) is something that you have coped with
alone despite wishing you'd had help, and, in turn, you might wish
others get over their own insecurities the same way that you were
obliged to do.
* If you're a business owner or professional of any description, you
may be worried that needing help can serve as a sign of a lack of
professionalism. This is also a problem in public roles where
signs of vulnerability may put your position in harms way.
* You may hold a belief that it is a sign of weakness to reveal any
problems at all to any other person.
* You may have an unresolved issue of your own that you are
essentially denying or ignoring. Consequently, you might have an
issue with people seeking help for difficulties, as it serves as a
reminder of your own problems that you're not wanting to face.
* You may also have had a lot of difficulty finding anyone to help
you in various times of need, and consequently think that people
just don't help other people.
* You might have a deep distrust or excessive cynicism in your
fellow humans and might see that not being able to fix their
problems is a sign of weak thinking.
* These examples may sometimes be partnered with a feeling that it
is socially wrong to ask (or to be a burden) to friends and family
for assistance. Or are hindered by a personal fear of being judged
or portrayed as weak or inferior. Similar fears are being seen as
having friends or family that are weak or inferior, or being
associated with people having problems.
Do you tend to see yourself as a super hero, not needing help? Or
deep down do you want to be one? Work through how not wanting to
ever seek help is reinforced by unrealistic ideals and wishful
thinking. Sometimes there are conflicting or reinforcing societal
ideals that can make it seem a weakness to seek help. If you
understand that these "ideals" are but one among many approaches to
living, you might be better placed to ease off the obsession [5] with
seeing needing help as a weakness. For example:
* There is a common theme running through movies, books and even
games, that a hero will gain the highest glory if he or she faces
"impossible" problems and magically overcomes them on his or her
own. Even historical events have been rewritten to accommodate
this unrealistic view of the amazing prowess of leaders throughout
time. The problem with this viewpoint is that most heroes and
leaders have a lot of helpers and supporters unacknowledged in the
wings. Quite often as well there is a lot of just luck - all so
easily could things have ended up differently. These "helpers" may
not be obvious but they are there, and a good hero or leader will
be benefiting greatly from the assistance, advice and input of
others. As such, comparing yourself with such unrealistic
portrayals of heroes or leaders will only bring you much
unhappiness.
* There is a common tendency to think that you "should" be able to
cope alone, to manage without help, or that "life shouldn't be
this way". This is a tendency to see the world as it "should be"
according to very unrealistic standards, as opposed to seeing the
world as it actually "is" – wanting something to be, or
something not to be. This isn't healthy thinking in the long-term
and it is important to identify what you really want out of life
when you feel that you must live through it unaided by others.
Quite often this can be enforced by peer pressure or family views.
Not all the answers can be found in a book, website, or in your head
Consider whether your bias [6] to not ask for or seek help has any
benefit to yourself and others. By keeping yourself or making
yourself aloof from other human beings, you are building an invisible
barrier around yourself that wards off the potential for new
relationships and friendships. You might feel a sense of safety but
you are missing out on learning about reciprocal give and take, where
you not only take help but also provide help in return, all within a
compassionate [7] cycle of love, care, and generosity for all.
* It is a somewhat arrogant [8] self-deceit to think that you can
give help and advice but never need to accept it in return. This
just leads to loneliness and despair.
* Take care not to be bamboozled by the aura of your own expertise
[9]. Being trained in one field of expertise does not provide you
with immunity from continuing to seek help from others within that
same field or from other people in other fields. Your research,
advice and practical skills will be all the better for asking for
help from others, as well as gaining access to new methods and
ideas that can make a great benefit for all.
Put aside wishful thinking Look to reality instead of relying on
wishful thinking. If you can overcome the underlying negative reasons
as to why you won't seek help, coupled with having a better
understanding of your unrealistic thought patterns, it is possible to
start finding pathways to letting others help you. Some of the things
you might consider doing include:
* Learn to accept offers of help. Recognise that people are acting
in good faith [10] in general. If another person is being kind in
offering help, accepting it at face value is the first step.
* The next time the thought crosses your mind that you could do with
help sorting out a problem, carrying a heavy box, making dinner,
working out a work dilemma, etc., act on it. Decide on who you
will ask, phrase the request in your head, and go and ask for
help.
* Don't seek to ask for help from just anybody. Choose wisely [11]
and carefully – avoid people who make you feel a lesser person
in any way, and even with those you do trust, take it slowly. Find
people you really trust to try out asking for help first. This
will allow you to open up bit by bit, and not be exposed to
someone who might not do the right thing by you, or who might make
you feel "weak" for asking.
You'll probably find at least one paradox in your journey of
unlearning total self-reliance Expect some paradoxes [12]. In
opening yourself up to others by asking for help, a couple of key
paradoxes will confront you. Rather than seeing this as a challenge,
look for solutions to your concern about being seen as too weak:
* _Abating your fear of rejection [13]_: In fearing rejection, you
open yourself up to allowing others to be the judge of your worth.
This is needier by far than asking for tangible help! Don't let
your self-view be coloured by how you think others might or might
not choose to accept you.
* _Strength_: In order to seek help, you need to be strong enough to
accept that you have weaknesses (remember, no-one is perfect!),
and you need to be stronger still to accept help. While burying
problems may seem strong, it is the same as running and hiding.
* _Giving_: In order to get, you need to give. If you keep cutting
yourself off from opening up to others, you risk not sharing your
skills, talents, and abilities with others in need of help. In
giving of yourself (your time, your listening ear, your love [14],
your care, etc.), you are helping another to learn more about you,
to be able to care for you, and to feel that you reciprocate the
attention that they bestow upon you. In helping another person,
you cease to focus on yourself. And when you cease to focus on
yourself, it is far easier to accept support back from the other.
* _Trust [15]_: In order to receive help, you need to trust the
other person and to trust that you're worthy of help
(self-respect). This might be the hardest part but it is
absolutely vital. Wholesome, accepting, self-assured trust is
capable of absorbing rejection, attracting genuine help, and will
easily detect the occasional exploitative person. (In the case of
meeting an exploitative person, remember that it is about their
karma, not your worth.)
Your need for help is real; don't downgrade it or yourself. It is
very subtle, but so often because there is no respect or care for
yourself that you feel angry or fall into despair. Strive to make
your life better as it gives meaning, but noone has to do it on their
own. Beware the illusion that all problems are easy or that problems
needing solving only apply to some people. It can be all too easy to
dismiss the worth or depth of your own problems, and thereby seek to
apologise [16] for your need for help. There is no hierarchy of
problems, or scale of pain. A problem is a problem, whatever its ease
or difficulty – the litmus test is how much it is impacting you
negatively, preventing you from moving forward. Belittling your
problem as not worthy of being solved only serves to make it even
more challenging to cope with. Prioritise what matters
and let go of worries. Prioritise your problems. It might help you
to develop a system whereby you prioritise [17] your wish to seek
help from other people. If it is a problem you feel you can fix and
actually do so effectively on your own, then do it. If it's one where
you cannot see a way you can deal with it alone, then talk to
someone, be it a friend or trusty confidante about how to fix it on
your own, or about who to ask for assistance.
* Let go [18] of the problems that no one can fix. There lies the
greatest strength of all as there is a big difference between
"burying" problems in comparison to accepting, forgiving and
letting them go. If you need help to do that, really don't be
afraid to ask for it.
!! Video !!
!! Tips !!
* Avoid letting your own problems rest undealt with, for they are
the building ground of these feelings.
* "Simple" solutions, really don't always mean "easy"
implementation. Just asking for advice and then going back into a
cocoon just reinforces the problem - if ever you need more
assistance or advice there is a wide range of services and people
you can turn to.
* It is, perhaps, a habit to judge ourselves and other people
according to our feelings and ideas and then form conclusions
about their position. Ultimately you have to ask if and how this
judging helps yourself or others, especially in times of need. If
you can live without judging yourself (and others), consider if
this can help you resolve your own challenges and improve your
general wellbeing.
!! Related WikiHows !!
* How to Give People Advice [19]
* How to Deal With Impossible People [20]
* How to Stop Being Mean to People [21]
* How to Communicate Your Weaknesses [22]
* How to Accept Criticism While at Work [23]
* How to Be Strong [24]
!! Article Tools !!
* Read on wikiHow
*
Links:
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[1] http://www.wikihow.com/Image:Funny-pictures-cat-is-asking-for-help-so-why-are-you-taking-photos.jpg
[2] http://www.wikihow.com/Control-Perfectionism
[3] http://www.wikihow.com/Be-Self-Reliant
[4] http://www.wikihow.com/Overcome-Insecurity
[5] http://www.wikihow.com/Image:A-Hero-is-Part-Human%2C-Part-Supernatural.jpg
[6] http://www.wikihow.com/Image:Open-Book.jpg
[7] http://www.wikihow.com/Cultivate-Compassion-in-Your-Life
[8] http://www.wikihow.com/Be-Assertive-Without-Being-Arrogant
[9] http://www.wikihow.com/Spread-Your-Knowledge
[10] http://www.wikihow.com/Negotiate-in-Good-Faith
[11] http://www.wikihow.com/Spend-Money-Wisely
[12] http://www.wikihow.com/Image:Paradox.jpg
[13] http://www.wikihow.com/Stop-Fearing-Rejection
[14] http://www.wikihow.com/Learn-to-Love
[15] http://www.wikihow.com/Build-Trust
[16] http://www.wikihow.com/Image:Anger-Day-1.jpg
[17] http://www.wikihow.com/Image:My-mother-at-age-84-in-1996.jpg
[18] http://www.wikihow.com/Let-Go-of-Thoughts-and-Feelings
[19] http://www.wikihow.com/Give-People-Advice
[20] http://www.wikihow.com/Deal-With-Impossible-People
[21] http://www.wikihow.com/Stop-Being-Mean-to-People
[22] http://www.wikihow.com/Communicate-Your-Weaknesses
[23] http://www.wikihow.com/Accept-Criticism-While-at-Work
[24] http://www.wikihow.com/Be-Strong
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