A "Gotcha War" involves having an argument with someone who is
taking out their anger on you in order to minimize or avoid their
own inner uncertainties and fears. For the other person, it's easier
to identify you as the problem and to take out their frustrations on
you rather than accepting that the real issue resides within their
own inability to confront the problem. A Gotcha War argument tends
to leave you feeling stupid or crazed, despite the fact that you're
more in the right than the person arguing with you.
Those particularly adept at "winning" the Gotcha War argument include
adolescents, control freaks, and addicts, all people who can suffer a
fair amount of uncertainty and fear about where their lives are
headed. It is possible to extricate yourself from such an argument
though, and you win when you prevent your emotions from controlling
your response. Here's what to do to win a Gotcha War.
!! Steps !!
Learn to identify when you're being drawn into a Gotcha War. You
might not be sure what is happening, but you know you're getting more
and more emotional and a bit crazed. Or you might find yourself
trying to say "No" when the other person only wants to hear a "Yes"
and you're beginning to feel uncertain that your insistence is
correct. Such an argument usually occurs when someone wants you to do
something you don't want to do. A large part of the problem is that
the person arguing with you plays on your shortcomings and enlarges
them; while you're well aware that they're exaggerating things all
out of proportion, there is just enough truth in what they're saying
to make you feel defensive and want to retaliate because you hate
feeling persecuted like this, or being made out to look like a fool.
You'll know that you're entrenched in a Gotcha War when you feel
uncertain about being right (even though you were right) and guilty
or angry wrong for responding in the way that you did. The following
illustration details the progression of a Gotcha War:
Know who is most likely to draw you into a Gotcha War and for what
sorts of reasons. Examples of common situations where you may feel
pressured include:
* A teen wants you to permit some behavior you don't want to permit
such as buying beer for a party of his underage friends.
* A date or friend wants you to drink more than you want to drink.
* A mate wants you to spend money you think is sensible.
* An addict wants you to support his or her habit.
Put a stop to the argument. As soon as you realize you're being
drawn into a Gotcha War, stop trying to convince the other person
you're in the right. It may feel as if you're denying yourself the
chance to set things straight, but bear with it; withdrawing to
minimal responses is the best approach.
* Read How to take a feeling temperature for how to check your
feelings. It's important to calm yourself, soothe your feelings,
and to avoid being wound up any further.
* Realize that this is about _them_ not about you. _They_ need to
let off steam; you just happen to be the current target who needs
to remain stalwart. Stay calm and polite throughout the remainder
of the encounter.
Watch your body language signals! Be aware of your posture and body
language. You want to be both strong and relaxed.
* Keep your shoulders pulled down.
* Do not make fists.
* Keep your face calm by making sure you don't pull your eyebrows
together; keep your eyes open wide, your teeth unclenched, and
your jaw relaxed.
Respond as little as possible to anything the other person says.
Soften your facial features and look at the other person as if to
say "I know where this is headed and I'm not falling for it but I
respect your need to vent." In other words, look as compassionate
as you can - bemused, surprised, tolerant are words to keep in
mind. The following responses are minimal responses:
* Nodding your head. If the other person has come back at you for
the way you're now looking at them, shake your head briefly and
appear even more compassionate.
* Shrugging your shoulders. This indicates letting go of the
challenge they're presenting to you.
* Saying "huhuh" or "mmmmmm." These are suitable
non-confrontational, non-confirming replies to aggressive
questions.
* Informing them: "I hear what you are saying."
Maintain the minimal response approach. If asked a direct
question, continue to make minimal responses. For example, "Can I
go to the party?" could be responded to with either:
* "Yes" if you agree.
* "No" if you don't agree.
* If a simple "Yes" or "No" isn't working, try "You want me to do
_____ but I can't/won't."
Wait for the conclusion. There are several things that may happen:
* If the person is running out of steam, that's a sign the war is
ending. Either remain quiet and let them have the last word or
ask: "Is there something else you need from me?"
* If the other person is heating up and getting angrier, suggest a
time out to think things over.
* Let go of it. When the war is obviously over, do not refer to it
again. It's over and done with. And they'll have learned that you
won't allow yourself to be wound up in this manner again.
!! Tips !!
Use self soothing tools:
* Calming breaths
* Soothing self talk
* Thinking of a safe place.
* Create and use an anger feeling thermometer to help you
decide if you need to ask for a time out.
!! Warnings !!
* Most Gotcha War players are not violent, but if you're dealing
with a person who is prone to violence and that means has acted
violently in the past, be alert to signs that their anger is
growing.
* If you are worried about being physically hurt, suggest a time
out. Say "I need time to think about what you are asking. Right
now our arguing is making it hard for me to think."
* If the other person does not agree, say, "I'm going out, I'm
afraid either one of us might get so angry we'll do something we
regret. I want to solve this but right now we're just going in
circles.
* When dealing with someone who is violent prone, counseling is a
must. Your safety depends on it. And be sure to exit immediately,
for your safety.
!! Things You'll Need !!
* Patience
* Emotional strength
!! Related WikiHows !!
* How to Meditate in One Minute
* How to Take a Feeling Temperature
!! Sources And Citations !!
* Original source of article, Emotional Fitness Training,
http://emotionalfitnesstraining.com/2011/01/25/parenting-22/.
Material used with permission.
!! Article Tools !!
* Read on wikiHow
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