When the nights are long and you cannot sleep for
all the sadness of a past left unresolved; when
you cannot grasp the future squarely and move on;
when the past haunts both your woken hours and
your dreams... it's likely that you're in the
grip of anxiety and inertia. There will always
come a point at which you must cease to stay
stuck in the past or it will define you and mark
every step you take from now on.
!! Steps !!
_ Prepare to face the challenges [1]. A past left
unresolved will continue to haunt you if you don't address the
underlying sorrow, pain and anger. You may not want to revisit
aspects of what happened in the past but if you don't, you allow the
part of your mind that conceals and glosses over hurts to dominate.
And instead of fully comprehending what happened and learning from
it, you live in the grip of the past subconsciously and let it eat
away at you.
* If you cannot take a clear view of the past by self assessment,
seek professional therapeutic assistance to guide you.
* Accept that you cannot change what happened.
What has passed, has passed. It is not possible to rewrite the
facts of what you experienced and went through. But it is possible
to rewrite the way you perceive it and handle it from now onward.
If you don't, your hurt self will carry over this emotional pain
[2] into all new experiences and relationships, possibly poisoning
them and dooming them to failure without any conscious desire on
your behalf.
* Let go [3]. Acknowledge that you're living in
real time carrying the baggage of old time. And then let go of it.
Are you playing out a past habit in a current relationship? Does
your fear of anger [4], loss, raised voices, silence etc. now set
the tone for how you relate to others? This requires careful
consideration to untwist the tendrils of who_ you really are and
what experiences from childhood onward shaped _how_ you react to
situations. Most of us feel a deep inner core of who we are at our
best. And we are all capable of separating the emotional triggers
from the solid core of self _if_ we sit still long enough to tease
apart that what triggers our habitual behavior and seek that which
is truly what we believe ourselves capable of being.
* _ Remove the past from your future. This
simply means that you must learn to stop letting past experience
morph into future probability. This happens when you have a bad
experience and it immediately conjures up memories of where
similar bad experiences have led you in the past. In this case,
instead of thinking positively and remembering the means by which
you ultimately overcame prior negative challenges, your immediate,
habitual reaction is to transfer the bad outcomes from that former
experience to a current situation, assuming the worse case
scenario for your current experience, with full-blown expectations
that things will only be bad. And with that comes the habitual
reactions, on cue, rather than a series of chosen proactive
actions defined by you as the person you are now.
* Create a positive future [5]. Combine the
knowledge that you cannot change the past with the knowledge that
you cannot predict the future but you can make sure that the
person you are right now is strong, whole and healthy emotionally
[6], so that any future negative scenarios are something the
person you are now can definitely cope with, no matter what gets
thrown at you. This is really about taking responsibility for
yourself and how you react. Once you have faced the challenges
from your past and accept that while you cannot change the past,
you can cease to let it be roleplayed out every time a new
challenge arises, you are beginning to remove the fear of more bad
things happening as directed by your past experiences. Instead,
you now learn to embrace the reality that the future is as yet
unwritten and if you want it to be a positive and strong
experience, the power lies within you to achieve this.
Take it slowly but surely. No overnight
transformation will occur when you are trying
to move yourself through past habits. It all
takes time and you will only achieve the best
and soundest results by allowing yourself the
time and space to move on. However, there are
some simple and practical things that can help
you to leave the past behind and, while largely
symbolic, key into the mind-body connection
aspect of our humanity and assist with your
thinking processes:
Get a large box and throw into it anything that reminds you of a past
failed relationship, a dead or missing person, a job that left you
feeling sore, anything physical and tangible that hangs around your
neck like a noose. Decide whether this box should be tossed or stored.
Either way, you are coming to a conclusion about its contents that
they can no longer influence you.
* If it is a failed relationship or experience, it is often better
to toss the box and leave the reminders to memory alone, which
will be kinder to you than physical evidence.
* If it contains mementos of a lost loved one, you may feel more
comfortable simply sealing it up and putting it aside, knowing you
are doing this as the beginning of a journey forward.
* Write down your feelings. You could write a letter [7] to a person
or people in the past who hurt you. You could write poetry or
prose. Anything that allows you to let out the feelings and no
matter how horrid you word things, let it out. You should not be
keep this writing - it is simply a way to open up the emotional
backlog and let out repressed feelings as best you can.
* Revisit places where you felt pain and hurt. Go back and realize
the power you_ have personally to not let that place get to you.
This can be an overwhelming experience, however, depending on what
happened. For example, survivors of concentration camps or sexual
abuse are less likely to ever be able to face the place where bad
things happened than someone who had a romantic experience
somewhere but since broke up. Gauge for yourself how ready you are
to take what may be a giant leap and take a buddy for support if
needed.
* Avoid making rash decisions. While you're
going through the healing process [8] to strengthen your ability
to deal with the past in a reasoned and distanced manner, keep
aware of the triggers that will send you back to past habits.
Actively aim to put a hold on habitual reactions and challenge
yourself to do things differently, while at the same time
accepting why you need to do this. This also means avoiding making
decisions in haste that you may regret later, such as cutting off
all ties with somebody in your family, or sending notes filled
with vitriol to people, or quitting from something you have been
doing. While ultimately some of these outcomes might end up being
the path you take after reasoning it with great care, initially
this exercise is about strengthening yourself to make calm [9] and
consequence enlightened decisions rather than making merry with
curses and burning your bridges with no care for tomorrow. You do
care about tomorrow - a responsible, thoughtful, and clear future
that is free of being controlled by past habit.
!! Video !!
!! Tips !!
* You can start again any moment you choose.
* "Nostalgia is like a grammar lesson: you find the present tense,
but the past perfect!" – Owens Lee Pomeroy.
!! Warnings !!
* Avoid using living in the past as an excuse for not improving the
present. When things about your life don't stack up right now,
sort them instead of reminiscing about how much better things used
to be. You're an innovative, creative, adaptable human being who
is capable of making the choice to live better but trying to
compare your current situation with the past risks holding you
back.
* An unhappy childhood is neither unique nor objective. Using it as
a constant excuse to not improve yourself and your situation is
eventually a cop-out that is destined to bring you greater pain
than the initial challenges you faced in your childhood. Accept
that what happened during an unhappy childhood was not right or
good, heal properly (and get therapy for it where needed), but
don't let it destroy your current chances of leading a fulfilled
life. If you do, the demons of the past win.
!! Related WikiHows !!
* How to Start a New Life with a Negative Past [10]
* How to Stop Getting Discouraged [11]
* How to Exude, Escape, or Enact an Existential Crisis [12]
* How to Cope with Loss and Pain [13]
* How to Cope with Depression [14]
!! Article Tools !!
* Read on wikiHow
*
Links:
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[1] http://www.wikihow.com/Face-Challenges
[2] http://www.wikihow.com/Cope-With-Emotional-Pain
[3] http://www.wikihow.com/Let-Go-of-Thoughts-and-Feelings
[4] http://www.wikihow.com/Overcome-Fear%2C-Sadness%2C-Anger-and-Grief
[5] http://www.wikihow.com/Be-Optimistic
[6] http://www.wikihow.com/Be-Mentally-and-Emotionally-Strong
[7] http://www.wikihow.com/Write-a-Letter
[8] http://www.wikihow.com/Heal-a-Broken-Heart
[9] http://www.wikihow.com/Keep-Yourself-Calm-During-Tough-Times
[10] http://www.wikihow.com/Start-a-New-Life-with-a-Negative-Past
[11] http://www.wikihow.com/Stop-Getting-Discouraged
[12] http://www.wikihow.com/Exude%2C-Escape%2C-or-Enact-an-Existential-Crisis
[13] http://www.wikihow.com/Cope-with-Loss-and-Pain
[14] http://www.wikihow.com/Cope-with-Depression
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