The nest of family love is like a nest of birds. When it is
the right time to fly, the young will fly away, as is the
way of life. Parents must deal with the absence of family,
friends, and love when children have flown from the nest of
their family to build their own. However, for some people,
especially for the primary caregiver, this can be a time of
great emptiness and sadness, that can easily tip into
depression if unheeded. This article will discuss methods
that will help your children to leave home secure in the
knowledge that they have a solid home base behind them, and
ways for parents to deal with grief from separation.
!! Steps !!
Discuss the future together Prepare for the departure. If you're
expecting your children to be leaving within the next year, take this
time to check that they are aware of how to do the basic essentials
for caring for themselves alone. Make sure they know how to wash
their clothes, cook for themselves, deal with neighbor disputes,
negotiate for good deals when buying things, and know how to
appreciate the value of money. While some of these things will
improve with practice, it's important to talk through and show how to
do some of the basics so that they're not left completely adrift.
Using a how-to site like wikiHow for explanations on household tasks
and lifestyle issues can be helpful if needed.
* If you don't know that your children are leaving until the last
minute, don't panic. Accept that this is happening and be
enthusiastic for them, offering your support at any time it is
needed. It is better for your children to know that you support
them, love them, and are willing to be of help to them than to see
you fretting and worrying.
Treat it as a new adventure Shift aside the terrifying thoughts.
Both you and your children will be better off if you treat this as a
big adventure. Your children will be feeling a range of emotions from
being terrified to being over the moon about their upcoming new
experiences. For children who are frightened at the prospect of
leaving, it's important to reassure them by telling them that the
unknown is worse than the reality. Help them to understand that once
they're into their new routine, it'll be familiar, fun, and
successful.
* Let your kids know that your home is their permanent base, for
whenever they need or want to return home. This provides both you
and your children with a very secure sense of belonging and
safety.
* If your kids are miserable for the initial time they're away,
don't be secretly pleased about this. They're going to have to
work through these emotions while they're getting used to the new
arrangements, and they'll need your active support in this, not a
secret wish for them to come running back home. This means not
actively offering coming back home as an option, and not sorting
out all the things for them – let them learn to do things on
their own, including administrative and negotiation tasks. They
will make mistakes but equally, they'll learn best that way.
Yes Mrs Wibbly, your daughter is exceptional! Explore the ways that
you intend to keep in touch with your children. You'll feel a sense
of loneliness and emptiness when they're gone because you can't just
turn around and tell them the things as you always used to do.
Keeping up constant communications is vital for maintaining a sense
of family togetherness and to keep up with the news. Some of the
methods you can consider include:
* Make sure they have a decent cell phone that can connect easily to
networks and will last the year. If they've had a cell phone for a
while now, you might need to upgrade or at least upgrade its
battery. Buy prepaid phone minutes so that they don't have to be
concerned about the cost of calling you.
* Schedule a weekly call-in time. While you may feel tempted to call
more often than this, it will become a burden unless they choose
to do so, so try not to expect too much from them. Be sensitive to
their need to grow and become their own adult person.
* Use email or texting for all the in-between things you'd like to
share. These are great mediums because you can say things without
being overly emotional.[1] Be aware as time goes on, though, that
your son or daughter may not reply as frequently as they do
initially. This is part of their settling in and developing a new
group of relationships, etc., and it does not mean they've stopped
caring.
Understand what empty nest syndrome is, so that you can recognize
the symptoms in your own situation. Empty nest syndrome is a
psychological condition that affects principally women, producing
grief when one or more of the children leave home.[2] Most commonly
it occurs when children leave for school, college, or university
(usually late summer and autumn), or when children marry and leave
home to live with their spouse. Empty nest syndrome often coincides
with other major events in life, such as menopause, illness, or
retirement.[3] It impacts women in particular because motherhood is
viewed as a primary role for both working and stay-at-home moms, and
a role to which women dedicate themselves as a principal
responsibility for an average of 20 years. A child leaving can
precipitate a feeling of redundancy, accompanied by feeling lost,
unworthy, and unsure about the future.[4] Feeling sad and crying a
little is a normal, healthy reaction to be expected of any parent;
after all, it is a big change. It becomes a problem when you have
feelings that stand in the way of your life, such as thinking that
your life is no longer worthwhile, you're unable to stop crying
excessively, and you're unable to resume a normal life of seeing
friends, getting out and about, or resuming some activities that get
you back into the swing of things.[5]
* Psychologists consider that the transition from being an actively
involved mom to being an independent woman again takes around 18
months to two years.[6] This means that it's vital to allow
yourself the time to grieve, work through the loss, and rebuild
your life is important. Be gentle on yourself and the expectations
that you have.
Accept support. If you find that you're really not coping and feel a
deep sense of emptiness, sadness, or an inability to get your life
back on track after the children leave, it's important to get help.
You might be suffering from depression or a similar psychological
ailment that is preventing you from enjoying life to its fullest.
Talk to a professional. Cognitive therapy or similar types of
therapy that enable you to talk through your issues might work well.
Or, you may simply need a listening ear and confirmation that what
you're going through is real, does matter, and in time, will pass.
* Acknowledge your grief. It doesn't matter what other people think
or say about getting on with it. Unacknowledged grief will gnaw
away at you if you don't face it and let yourself be upset for a
time. Allow the grief to work through your system.
* Treat yourself. While going through the hardship of grief, don't
neglect yourself. Have a regular massage, go to a movie now and
then, buy your favorite expensive chocolate box, etc. All sadness
and no happy moments is a recipe for continued blues.
* Consider having a "letting go" ritual. Having a ritual in which
you "let go" of your children as they turn into adults, and let go
of the active parenting role, can be an important and cathartic
way to help you to move on. Some suggestions include: Sail a
lantern with a candle in it down a stream, plant a tree, bronze
something special of your child's, hold a ceremony that reflects
your faith, etc.
* Talk to your spouse about your feelings. He or she may be feeling
similar emotions and will relish the chance to talk it through.
Or, they may simply listen and acknowledge what you're going
through, which is an important source of acceptance for you.
* Consider keeping a journal to document your journey. Prayer or
meditation may also help.
Try those things you've not yet managed to get around to... Start
looking to your own needs. Once you're satisfied that you've set your
child on the right path, the busyness will wear off and you'll start
noticing the big change in your life. The way in which you choose to
perceive this change will color your feelings and approach to it –
if you see it as a gaping hole, you'll feel much more miserable than
if you choose to see it as an opportunity to revive some of your own
interests and pursuits.
* Avoid creating a shrine out of your child's bedroom. If they
didn't clean it up before they left, throw some of your emotions
into removing all that trash! Eliminate some of the clutter, but
carefully place your child's keepsakes in safe storage.
* Write down all the things you'd promised yourself you'd get around
to doing one day. Now is the time to start doing them. Pin this
list somewhere obvious and start working through it.
* Build new friendships or revive lapsed ones. Friends are an
important part of your transition from parent full-time to
person-at-home-without-kids. Get out there and meet new people.
There will be other empty-nesters like you looking for friendship
too. And friends can prove a useful source of information about
hobbies, activities, and job openings too.
* Take up a new hobby or interest. Or revive an old one that you
allowed to lapse while raising children. Anything from painting,
photography, woodworking, to skydiving and travel!
* Go back to school or university. Select a course that you feel
resonates with you at this point in life. Work out whether this is
a completely new path you're setting out on, or whether it's to
upgrade your existing qualifications. Either way is good.
* Restart a career – either pick up where you left off or start a
new one. Realize that even though you're "rusty", you have the
advantage of experience, so after some initial relearning, you'll
be off to a much faster start than when you were fresh out of
school or college.
* Consider volunteering. If you're not quite ready to go back to
work just yet, volunteering in potential workplaces can be a good
way to transition back into the workforce at a pace that suits
you. It also gives you the chance to try things to see if you like
them or not.
* Try participating in charities. Doing something positive with your
free time can be very fulfilling.
Time to rediscover one another Rediscover the love of your life.
Unless you're a lone/single parent, you'll be left with your spouse
or partner. And this can be a difficult time if you discover that
there's a problem with your relationship you hadn't faced because
having the children around helped to cement together your spousal
relationship. Or, it can simply be a case that after being parents
for so long, you've forgotten how to be lovers. This is a time to
talk honestly and openly about the direction of your relationship
together and to decide what happens next.
* If your children were the only bonding force in your marriage, you
and your spouse may need to work on your own relationship to
restore what has been neglected between the two of you, especially
if you feel that your relationship is now redundant. Seek couples
counseling if you feel this would assist the transition back to
being alone together again.
* Acceptance that this is a difficult time of transition can allow
both of you to forgive the uncertainties and messiness of growing
together as a couple without kids again.
* It can help if you develop the mindset that you expect your spouse
or partner to have changed at least a little. After all, both of
you have aged a lot since meeting and you've been through many
different experiences during the times of raising your children,
experiences that probably neither of you envisaged when you first
fell in love. As time moves on, many people become clearer about
what they do and don't like, what they believe and don't believe,
and these discoveries may now be more evident than when you first
married or paired up. Trying to see this as an opportunity to
discover each other's "new" selves can be a fruitful way to revive
a flagging relationship.
* Spend more time with your spouse or partner and get to know them
again. Take a vacation together to help revive the feelings of
closeness and reliance on one another for emotional support.
* Allow time for your relationship to blossom anew. This can be an
exciting time of rejuvenation for both of you.
* Sometimes, none of this will patch up the reality that you've
grown apart. If you realize that your relationship is beyond
repair, talk it through or seek support, to enable you to reach a
decision that will enable both of you to move on happily into the
future.
Start looking for the brighter side again Focus on some of the
positive points of your kids moving out. Focusing on some of the
positive changes resulting from your children moving out can ease the
sense of loss considerably when you weigh up what you've gained.
While this doesn't belittle the importance of your sadness and the
big transition you and your children are going through, it does help
you to try and see the brighter side of your future. Some of the
positive points include:
* You may notice that the refrigerator does not need refilling quite
as often. This means less trips to the grocery store and less
cooking required!
* Romance with your spouse may increase. The two of you have time
and space now to return to being just a couple; make the most of
it.
* If you used to do all of your children's laundry, there will be a
lot less washing and ironing for you to do now. Try not to give in
to doing it again when they return home for breaks. Expecting them
to have grown up enough to do this for themselves is an important
step to letting them grow up.
* You've got your bathroom back.
* Smaller water, phone and electricity bills will help you save
money. And that saved money can be put toward a vacation with your
spouse or friends!
* Feel extremely proud of yourself for having raised children who
are capable of going out into the world and surviving and thriving
on their own. Give yourself a pat on the back.
!! Video !!
!! Tips !!
* It can probably be more traumatic for the child left behind - they
no longer have their playmate and friend. They may be feeling
quite insecure now - so spend some time with them, discuss what's
going on with them. Point out you'll all meeting up again soon
enough.
* It is a good idea to start planning and preparing for an empty
nest before your children all leave home. This will ease the
transition considerably, and will also demonstrate to your
children that you're getting on with your life in expectation that
they'll do the same.
* Expect your relationship with your children to change when they
become adults living on their own resources.
* If you like and your place of residence allows you to, get a pet.
If you have a pet to take care of you may have a decreased desire
to baby your children.
* Parents more susceptible to suffering from empty nest syndrome
include those who found it hard to leave home themselves, those in
an unhappy or unstable marriage, those who derived much of their
self-identity from being a mom (or dad), those who find any change
experience stressful, those who mothered (or fathered) full-time
with no external work, and parents who are overly worried that
their children are not ready for the responsibility of living on
their own.[7]
!! Warnings !!
* Be aware that sympathy may be thin on the ground because children
leaving home is perceived as a normal event in life. See your
mental health specialist because empty nest syndrome is recognized
as a real cause for concern and care.[8]
* In some cases, it may not be your relationship that is in trouble.
When children move out and the mom was a constant in the child's
daily life she will experience separation anxiety. Some cases are
severe depending on how close she is to her child. It may just be
the fact that she will have some issues to deal with and workout.
But you can do it together. In time it should get better, maybe
even less painful for her to go through. Moms know that the baby
birds will fly away. It's just very hard to let them go. Moms may
be afraid that they will not see their kids anymore.
* For children, it's important to try and understand that for moms,
your leaving is like a knife in the heart. Be patient with mom.
She will come out okay. For moms, you will see them again. Yes,
it hurts. But you have to let them grow up. They want to
experience life. All you can do is be there for them, listen to
them, and love them.
* Don't make big decisions until you've come through the grief of
empty nest syndrome. You may regret selling your home or moving
away if done under the pall of deep sadness. Wait until you feel
happier again to make large decisions.
!! Things You'll Need !!
* Hobbies and other interests
!! Related WikiHows !!
* How to Encourage Your Family to Live Frugally
* How to Plan and Organize a Family Reunion
* How to Accept Change
* How to Get a Family Member to Leave You Alone
* How to Keep Relationships Healthy Within Your Family
!! Sources And Citations !!
* VideoJug, How to Deal with Empty Nest Syndrome,
http://www.videojug.com/film/how-to-deal-with-empty-nest-syndrome
– partial source of article, shared with permission.
!! Article Tools !!
* Read on wikiHow
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