Manipulation refers to making attempts at influencing
someone else's behavior or actions. As human beings, our
emotions often cloud our judgments making it difficult to
see the reality behind hidden agendas or motives in
different different forms of behavior. The controlling
aspects or shrewdness linked to manipulation are sometimes
very subtle and may be easily overlooked, buried under
feelings of obligation, love, or habit. In this article
you'll learn some ways to pick up on manipulative behavior
occurring around you, so that you can sort it rather than
jump to it.
!! Steps !!
Understand the characteristics of a manipulative personality.
They're not always obvious because they play a silent game of
building up obligations toward them, that end up with you feeling
guilty, pressured, and obliged to carry out things for their sake
even though you're still wondering how things got to this point.
Some of the characteristics of a manipulative personality include:
* A martyr style personality. This personality type behaves as if he
or she is being considerate toward others but is actually messing
up considerateness with a need to be significant to you. By
"martyring" themselves, they are doing things nobody has asked of
them or wants them to do but in the process creates a bind when
they do them. In "doing you a favor", their expectation increases
that you have to return the favor. They may also complain
constantly about all the things they do for you and wonder
rhetorically when you're going to return this favor...
* Excessively needy and dependent personalities. People who feel
uncomfortable in their own skin, putting forth their own opinions
and ideas can often hide behind manipulative behavior so that it
seems as if you are responding on your own accord even though
they've set up everything to have you respond directly to their
neediness.
* Narcissists. This is the archetypal manipulative personality and
it's very hard to deal with this master manipulator.
* You. Seriously, at one time or other, every single one of us
practices manipulative behaviors in one form or other. It is just
that for most people, manipulative actions tend to be one-off or
only occasional instances rather than a purposeful map for daily
living and interaction with others.
Note the possible types of ways in which people try to manipulate
one another. There are some key behaviors that can end up in
manipulation, and it's helpful to know how to spot them before
walking right into them. The behaviors are set out briefly here,
with the following steps providing more details along with
suggestions for healthy ways to respond:
* _The guilt trip_ – this manipulative behavior seeks to make you
feel guilty and is aimed at sending you into the land of "should"
rather than standing up for your own values.
* _The assumption statement_ – this manipulative tactic seeks to
turn your behavior into what the beholder perceives it as, whether
or not their interpretation is accurate. Soon leads to a guilt
trip because no matter what, your refutation is proof of the
assumption.
* _He said, she said_ – this manipulative ploy is pseudo-sociology
in action. The manipulator takes it upon themselves to tell you
what someone else said was the right thing to do. It's a handy way
of pushing aside the responsibility from themselves while loading
it all onto you.
* _The confronting statement_ – this manipulative approach is
about causing an argument. That way, the provoker will end up
making you feel terrible over something you didn't do or say but
for which you ought to feel guilty anyway and they'll get a huge
chunk of sympathy with which to manipulate you all over again.
* _Self-pity: "But I'm so unloved/sick/victimized, etc."_ – At
times each one of us has times when we're really in need of some
tender self-care but long-term manipulators can make a habit of
being the victim or the one needing special attention.
Even companies use guilt trips... Curtail the guilt trip. Guilt
trips are really high on the list of manipulative tools. If you can
get someone else to feel guilty, then you're home and hosed. The
trouble is, people wear out after being made to suffer guilt trip
after guilt trip and the manipulator who thinks that he or she is on
to a good thing here risks losing respect, friends, and being
distanced by those who can't get away, such as family and co-workers.
One of the key things to keep in mind when escaping the guilt trip
bind is that the sooner you nip it in the bud, the better, and that
it's _their_ guilt trip, _not_ yours. Here are some approaches to the
guilt trip:
* Recognize it. Guilt trips are usually prefaced with "If you really
cared about me, you'd...", or "If you were more responsible,
you'd...", or "If you were more understanding, you'd...". In each
case, you can substitute the words they add in after with "do as I
want". Another way of inducing a guilt trip is to tell you what
you wouldn't do, for example: "I knew I'd misheard it! After all,
you'd never get engaged _without telling me first_." In that small
phrase, you've just been told that the expectations are that
you'll defer to this person before making any decisions.
Turn it back on the guilt giver. Take a return-to-sender approach
with guilt trips and don't let their interpretation of your behavior
determine the situation. In this case, you can give them a little of
their own medicine so that they understand how it feels to be made
to feel guilty. This approach involves taking what the manipulator
has said and tell them how they aren't respecting, appreciating,
caring for, etc. your behavior toward them, and in the process, you
dissolve the need to meet the obligation they're aiming to impose.
For example:
* A: "You don't care about all the hard work I've done for you."
* You: "I sure do care about the hard work you've done for me. I've
said as much many times. Now it seems to me that you don't
appreciate how much I care."
* A: "That's not true! I appreciate it!"
* You: "Yes, just as I appreciate your hard work."
Shorten their hold on you. When a manipulator tries to guilt-trip
you by suggesting that they don't matter, don't buy into it.
Instead, answer with a quick retort that breaks this hold
instantly. For example:
* A: "Okay then, go on that camping trip with your friends while I
do all the work looking after the dogs. Don't worry about me."
* You: "That's great! I'm glad you're happy to look after the dogs
while I'm away. Thanks!"
Shift the assumption statement away from you. One of the things that
is so riling about having another person tell you what it is that
you're thinking or doing is that they are not taking you seriously
or treating you as a whole person. Instead, they are attempting to
overlay how they'd like you to behave and this comes right back to
how they'd like you behave so that it benefits _them_. Assumption
statements can be harder to pick up on but it's essential that you
do so in order to deflect them quickly and effectively. Some
examples include statements using "suppose", "guess", "wish", etc:
"I suppose you're going to leave me alone again." or "I wish you'd
understand how hard it is for me, after all I've done for you, to
have you not want to stay longer with me each Christmas." The
problem with the assumption statement is that there is no question;
a manipulator doesn't like asking questions because it causes them
to feel a loss of control. In a healthier relationship situation,
questions would elicit what you're doing and a conversation could
proceed from this understanding; a manipulator would prefer to make
the assumption as to what you're doing because it then allows them
to them to be in control of the you they've described rather than
the you they need to listen to. Break the supposition away from your
actions by ignoring the manipulative negative implication and return
the manipulator to reality by clarifying your equally valid value
attaching to what you're doing. For example:
* A: "I wish you'd understand how hard it is for me, after all I've
done for you, to have you not want to stay longer with me each
Christmas."
* You: "Actually, I spend as much time with you as I spend with
Kate's parents and just as you and dad used to do when I was
growing up, I'm happily dividing my time equally between both
families."
* A: "I suppose you're going to leave me alone again."
* You: "I'm not leaving you alone. You've got your favorite movie on
tonight, the dog's with you wanting attention, and I'll be back on
Tuesday, as usual."
* A: "If you've got more important things to do, then it's best you
don't waste time visiting me."
* You: "I'm glad you understand how busy things are for me right
now. It's an expensive time to fly and I'll be able to spend more
time with you when I come next May."
Move away from the mind games of what the manipulator thinks other
people say or do. The use of third party "authority" is
thoughtlessly rampant in much of everyday life because we like to
defer to these generalizations as a way of backing up our own vague
and often unexplored preferences. While most of us know it's a bad
habit, in the hands of a manipulator, it becomes a weapon. Whenever
a manipulator resorts to quoting what your Aunt May, cousin Josh or
darling Katie down the street would do or are saying, see warning
lights flashing. This tactic is used to try and compare the
perceived lack in your responsiveness with the manner in which other
people apparently would behave more appropriately than you (read:
they'd do it for the manipulator whereas you're holding out). While
some of this is to do with the manipulator fantasizing that the
grass is greener in someone else's life, it's far more about being a
tool that lets the manipulator abdicate his or her own
responsibility for making the statement.
* A:"Mary says it'd be better if you didn't leave me alone all the
time. She says it's harmful for me."
* You:"I didn't realize Mary was a psychologist. I must speak to her
about the possibility of her spending more time with you."
* A:"Everyone thinks you're not being kind to me when you refuse to
buy me a second diamond ring."
* You:"Everyone? I must meet these people who are so flush! I'd love
to buy you another ring but I'm glad you have a beautiful one to
keep you occupied until our budget can withstand any more large
purchases."
Avoid the confrontation and dispute manipulation. Determine whether
someone is deliberately using a ploy or "game" to bring about a
dispute or conflict into the open. This frequently happens amongst
friends or in relationships, when one member wishes to have
influence or to attempt control over the other. Confrontational
statements are designed to upset you immediately and to cause an
argument to occur. For example, "How dare you leave me alone
tonight!" or "I thought we agreed that this would be the best
solution. And now you're deliberately doing something entirely
different." Or "Why do you always have to do everything your way?
What about me?" It can even be brought up jokingly but with the
intent to mock or pour cold water on your hopes. Rather than
engaging in an argument with this manipulator, learn to simply say
"no" and by pointing out clear facts. For example:
* Be calm, rational, and pleasant when you say no. Don't try to up
the ante by grimacing or snapping back. It's also important to
keep your response simple and friendly.
* Use your body language to back up your meaning. Shake your head
and give your "no" face.
* Be polite. When a manipulator asks you to do something, try "I'd
love to but I'm too busy in the upcoming months. Sorry." or
"Thanks for asking, but no."
Sidestep self pity. The manipulator who finds everything unfair and
falls to pieces, he or she is attempting to gain your sympathy in
order to use it to further his or her own needs. In this case, the
manipulator will rely on a sense of "helplessness" and will seek
financial, emotional, or other forms of help from you. Look out for
attitudes and comments like, "You are the only one I have", and "I
have no one else to talk to", etc. In dealing with a meltdown of
self-pity, be compassionate but wary as you don't want to establish
an obligation as a result. Some ways to respond to such a
manipulator include:
* A: "You are the only one I have."
* You: "Oh you're flattering me again but you and I both know that's
not true! You've got Betty on Sundays, Muriel on Thursdays, and
the bowls club all day Saturday. Why, when I tried to call you
last Wednesday night, you were out playing cards with your
neighbors."
* A: "I have no one else to talk to."
* You: "Remember yesterday when Grace came over to talk to you all
afternoon? And Sally's said she's more than happy to listen over
the phone whenever you need a sounding board. I'm happy to talk to
you for the next five minutes but after that, I have an
appointment I cannot miss."
Beware of people who twist and distort facts to make them appear
more attractive. Generally these people will lie to the ends of the
earth in order to get what they want. This often happens in the work
environment, simply to get others on their side or gain favor with
management and higher authorities. When responding to a fact
distortion, seek clarification. Explain that this is not how you
remembered the facts and that you're curious to get a better
understanding of their view of them. Remain polite and feel entitled
to say that it's to clarify _your_ confusion. Ask them simple
questions about when you both agreed to an issue, how they believed
the approach was formed, etc. When you meet on common ground again,
take this as the new starting point, not their distorted one. For
example:
* John (manipulator): "I asked John to have all these finished by
today. He's never on time with these reports."
* Boss: "Is this true John?"
* Cassie": "It isn't my understanding boss. John, when did you
suggest that this my task alone? My last understanding was that
this was to be a joint effort, with you signing off on my work
before we presented it to the board. When you didn't arrive
yesterday and I couldn't reach you, I felt that I had little
choice but to continue and finish what I could but it was clear I
didn't have a handle over the X, Y, Z issues that you're best at
defining. And I've handed in my last six reports all two days
before the due date; I take timeliness very seriously."
* Another example: A: "You never back me up in those meetings,
you're only in it for your own gains and you're always leaving me
to the sharks."
* You: "That's not true. I believed that you were ready to talk to
the investors about your own ideas. If I had thought you were
erring, I'd have stepped in but I thought you did a brilliant job
by yourself."
* Beware of people with "selective memories". This is a manipulative
tool for wriggling out of obligations they don't want to meet,
while still managing to remember obligations that they expect
_you_ to meet, or have met (in front of the boss).
Don't fall victim those those who use love as a bargaining tool.
Such a manipulator will commonly use phrases like, "I know you love
me, so...", "Because I love you, do X, Y, Z for me...", in order to
trick you into accepting what they desire. This often occurs in
married relationships and also between friends. People who display
this type of attitude will often make you feel indebted or that you
owe them something. Instead of letting them manipulate your love for
them, try to point out how what you're doing is proof of your love
for them, and bonus points if you can be compassionate enough to
weave in recognition of their love for you too:
* A: "If you loved me, you'd take me on that business trip. I don't
care about your boss' miserliness, that's your problem, not mine."
* You: "I do love you and that is the very reason I don't want to
inflict my boss on you. You'd have a horrible time having to be
super polite around him and he would resent having you there and
would possibly even try to demote me for not taking the business
trip seriously enough."
* A: "You think that this garden is more important than me."
* You: "Actually my dear, I tend the garden with care to ensure that
you have somewhere fun and safe to play war games with your mates.
I want it to be perfect for you, just as you try to paint the
house in colors that you know I like."
Figure out those who feign illness. Unfortunately, some people use
illness as a way of manipulating others. There are people who feign
small illnesses and symptoms on a small scale, and then there are
people who suffer from Factitious Disorder (DSM-IV), previously
known as Munchausen's Sydnrome. Faking illnesses is the intentional
production of false and exaggerated physical symptoms designed to
achieve an ulterior motive. People who do this may be trying to
avoid responsibilities, have more leisure time, obtain medical
benefits, or are lazy enough to want someone else to do everything
for them.
* If the person is persistently using this method, it is possible
that he or she needs medical help from a psychiatrist or
psychologist for Factitious Disorder. The difficulty for you lies
in the fact that a person suffering from this might actually have
some illness but can function fine most or all of the time despite
the illness but chooses to exaggerate its effects (also known as
malingering).
* If the disorder is causing them to behave this way, try not to be
judgmental. It is often developed as a way of reacting to stress
and has habituated into a pattern.[1] The best thing if you
suspect this condition is to suggest that he or she sees a mental
health professional to deal with their worry and anxiety; don't be
combative about their "faking illness".[2]
Beware of individuals who create false rumors. Individuals in this
category will tell you the opposite of what you wish to hear. They
may do so hoping that you will correct them and as such force out
the real story from you. Very private people often fall prey to this
type of tactic because it's targeted at eliciting information from
you directly when you've been reticent so far.
Ignore emotional outbursts that play on your emotions. Some people
will use crying, sorrow, screaming and other forms of emotions to
further their own ends or to simply get what they want. This is
common among children and teenagers who will "test the waters", to
see how far they can go with this form of manipulation. Read some
good parenting books on dealing with manipulation in children and
teens; their behavior is more about boundary testing and can be
dealt with appropriately with good parenting skills.
* If your child suffers from disruptive behavior disorders, seek
help from a mental health therapist. Such disorders as
oppositional defiance disorder, conduct disorder and separation
disorder can have elements of manipulation in them but need
special attention to overcome, using the help of specialists and
your compassion.
* Listen to yourself. In all of the possible manipulative
situations outlined above, whether or not the signs are easy for
you to spot, it is very important to listen to yourself and how
you feel about the situation. Do you feel oppressed, pressured,
obliged to do things for this person that you'd rather not do?
Does their behavior seem to impact you endlessly, so that after
one form of assistance, you are expected to grant yet more help
and support? You answers should serve as a true guide to where
your relationship with this person is headed next.
!! Video !!
!! Tips !!
* Not all illnesses or excuses for being sick, should be looked upon
with doubt or suspicion. People may be genuinely sick.
* Equally, not all forms of behavior are manipulative. One
has to look at the context in which these behaviors take place.
* Look for a pattern in certain behaviors. If you can safely predict
how someone will behave, in order to achieve certain ends, you are
most likely on the right track to picking up on manipulative
behaviors.
!! Warnings !!
* Bullying behavior is manipulative in its ends. It also tends to be
very evident and is not something that you or your children should
tolerate. Seek help if you are being bullied.
!! Related WikiHows !!
* How to Recognize a Controlling Person
* How to Cope With a Controlling Person
* How to Notice When You're Being Manipulated
* How to Get Rid of a Manipulative Boyfriend
* How to Deal With a Manipulative Person
* How to Imply to a Manipulative Friend That You Are Angry
!! Sources And Citations !!
!! Article Tools !!
* Read on wikiHow
*
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