Depression is a struggle, but if you hold on to each other,
you can make it through. It is difficult to watch a loved
one struggle with depression. While sadness is a natural
part of life, if your spouse or partner goes through an
intense unhappy period that lasts for more than a few weeks,
it may be a sign of depression. There are things you can do
to help, as well as taking good care of yourself during what
is going to be a challenging time for both of you.
!! Steps !!
Recognize the symptoms of depression in your spouse. Some symptoms
include:[1]
* daily or near daily sadness that lasts for more than 2 weeks
* loss of interest in hobbies, friends and/or sex
* excessive fatigue
* abnormal eating or sleeping habits
* trouble concentrating and making decisions
* irritability
* feelings of hopelessness, helplessness or worthlessness
* weight loss or gain
* thoughts of suicide.
Encourage your spouse or partner seek help if they haven't
already. Your spouse's depression may be so debilitating that it
makes him/her unable to ask for help. He or she may also be
embarrassed about their condition. If you suspect your spouse has
depression, encourage them to consult a doctor, psychiatrist or
religious leader.
* Arrange for your spouse to get a thorough evaluation. Ask your
spouse of partner if he or she wants you to be there for moral
support.
* If your spouse or partner refuses to be evaluated, call a
healthcare professional to seek advice.
Educate yourself. Understanding depression, its effects and
treatment will allow you to better understand your spouse and
help him or her to make informed decisions. Ask questions, read
books and visit reliable websites about the diagnosis and
treatment of depression. It is also helpful to read books written
by people who have experienced supporting loved ones through
depression.
* Speak to your spouse's physician about concerns you may have. Be
sure to share what you've learned with your spouse.
* Learn about laws which might affect your spouse including informed
consent laws and disability law as it applies to the mentally ill.
See if you can get them to let you back in. Talk to your spouse or
partner as much as you can. Encourage them to open up to you. Talking
openly about depression as a real illness with real consequences to
be taken seriously often brings relief to depressed people, since it
demonstrates that someone cares and is willing to help. [2] Avoid
over-complicating things when talking to your spouse; keep to single
topics and avoid making judgmental statements.
* Listen. Allow your spouse to tell you about his or her feelings.
This is equally important as talking about depression as a real
illness; good listening often makes depressed people feel better.
Listen without reacting, without defensiveness, and without trying
to take over the conversation or ending sentences for them. Be
patient even though it might be excruciating sometimes.
* Consider the situation from your spouse's point of view. As you
read up on depression, learn what it feels like. Learn common
myths about people with mental illness. Find out what depression
really is.
Participate in your spouse's or partner's recovery. While you may
not understand the reasons for your spouse's depression, it is
important that you support him or her during the treatment
process. Make sure your spouse is taking his or her medications.
Sit in on some counseling sessions, if possible or desirable (but
don't force your spouse or partner to agree to this though; it's
a very personal matter). And seek to minimize all situations that
can instill distress, anxiety, fear, and stress for your spouse
or partner. This may mean taking over some of the tasks your
spouse or partner used to be responsible for, such as paying
bills, talking to people who knock at the front door, dealing
with neighborhood disputes, etc.
* Help your spouse or partner research resources online and in books
so that he or she can learn more about their illness.
* Encourage them to read biographies of people who have experienced
depression, as this will help them to realize it affects people in
all walks of life, as well as learning about other people's ways
of coping with and conquering depression.
* Be aware that you may have to do a lot of the thinking and
decision-making for your space. Reach a place of acceptance rather
than struggling against this; it won't be forever and it is just
something that someone needs to do, and that happens to be you for
now. This will also include verbally guiding your spouse or
partner through some of the thinking processes needed to overcome
blackspots in their thinking processes.
There may be some days when your spouse can't get out of bed.
Provide your spouse or partner with hope in whatever form they can
accept. Hope can come in many forms including faith in God, love for
their children and any other reason they want to go on living. Learn
what works best for your spouse or partner and remind them of it
during the times they don't think they can hold on any longer. Tell
them that bad things pass even if it seems impossible right now, that
you'll be there for them through it all, and that he or she is very
important in your life.
* Make sure your spouse understands how much you love them and that
you will support them through this difficult time no matter what.
Tell them that you know it's not their fault and that they aren't
weak, worthless or crazy. Make sure they know that you are
frustrated with their illness, not with them.
* Make sure they know that you understand if they can't meet certain
household obligations. Your depressed spouse isn't lazy, but ill.
Things that you consider normal everyday tasks such as feeding the
dog, cleaning the house or paying the bills might be overwhelming
to them. Expect to have to pick up the slack for a while, as if
they have the flu and aren't up to it.
* Always talk about the illness creating the thoughts in your spouse
or partner, and that it is the illness that causes him or her to
think things are terrible, impossible, unfixable, etc. Explain
that things that seem really bad are no big deal, that they can be
fixed, and that you'll fix them together.[3]
* Encourage your spouse or partner to do the things they used to
enjoy. Ask them along to the movies or for walks. Keep asking, but
don't push too hard, since he or she may not be able to cope with
many activities at once.
* Encourage him or her to participate in activities designed to
lessen depression, such as exercise or relaxation.
* Praise your spouse or partner whenever they're doing something
that benefits them and makes them feel better.
* Plan fun things to do. It's good for everyone in a family to have
things to look forward to. Mail yourselves promises of outings
together on set dates, and stick the invitation on the fridge and
make sure to follow through on the promised outings. These will be
beneficial for not only your depressed spouse or partner, but also
for you and for any kids, as a change in environment will give you
all a break.
Recognize the serious signs. Depressed people do sometimes commit
suicide when the feelings of hopelessness and helplessness become
too much to bear. If you spouse talks about suicide, take it
seriously. Don't assume they won't act out on their thoughts,
especially where there is evidence that they have a plan. Be on
the lookout for the following warning signs:
* Threats or talk of suicide
* Statements implying they don't care about anything or won't be
around anymore
* Giving away their stuff; making a will or funeral arrangements
* The purchase of a gun or other weapon
* Sudden, unexplained cheerfulness or calm after a period of
depression
* If you observe any of this behavior get help right away! Call a
health care professional, mental health clinic or suicide hotline
to get advice about what action to take. If it's an emergency, do
not hesitate to call the police. In addition, do your best to
intervene by talking, and even asking them directly about it.
Ivanka Palmer says that we tend to be afraid of the direct
questions but in the case of suicide, these are vital as they can
give you an indication of the time you have to intervene
(immediate action or more monitoring) and the intensity of their
emotions.[4] She also says that you can do a deal with them to
stay alive for a set period of time, buying time for the really
negative period to die down, such as "you need to be at your
daughter's graduation ceremony".[5]
Look after yourself. It's easy to forget about your own needs
when your spouse is in pain, but if you're unable to function
properly, then you won't be able to help. In fact, feelings of
depression can spread throughout a family. That's why you should
be sure to get enough sleep, eat well, keep exercising, and keep
in touch with family and friends for emotional support. Set aside
some alone time to step away from the situation. Consider getting
therapy or joining a support group since this may help you cope
better with your spouse's depression.
* Give yourself permission to feel upset, angry or frustrated. These
feelings are a natural and valid response to what is going on in
your life. This is why it is good to join a support group or talk
to friends and family since it allows you to vent your feelings
rather than keep them inside.
* Equally, however, do your best to keep your frustration and
anxiety out of sight of your spouse or partner. Showing this can
increase their anxiety, fear, and stress which can stall their
progress or even bring about a relapse. [6] Instead, talk it out
with others, work it out in exercise, and leave it out of the calm
household atmosphere as much as possible. If you can make a
personal space for yourself within the home that you can go to
when you just can't take it anymore, this would be an excellent
option, as it will give you calming down space and a break.
* Reduce your stress at work and other situations. Having too many
sources of stress will wear you down.
* If you have kids, ask friends, neighbors, and family for
babysitting breaks so that you and your spouse or partner can have
time apart from the strain of kids being around all of the time.
You'll also need to deal with the impacts of your spouse's or
partner's depression on your kids; seek advice from your doctor
and other health professionals in charge of caring for your kids'
well-being.
!! Video !!
!! Tips !!
* Go to your local hospital or mental health clinic for support and
guidance. If your employer has an employee assistance program, use
it; they can provide excellent support to help you work with your
spouse or partner, as well as to cope with the challenges their
depression place on you.
* Be positive. It's easy to be swayed by the negative thinking of a
loved one, but depression is a very treatable illness.
* Be as understanding as you possibly can. Depression is a serious
medical condition. Your spouse isn't doing this to hurt you; he or
she is in pain and can't "just get over it". Make sure not to be
critical or place blame, as depression is nobody's fault. Minimize
and eliminate critical attitudes because a depressed person is
hyper-sensitive to criticism, contradiction, disagreement and
advice.[7]
* Be patient and acknowledge the progress that comes, however long
it may take.
* Be prepared for rejection. Since depression clouds judgement, your
advice and help may not be accepted. Try your best not to get
angry or take it personally. It is also best not to try to give
advice; it may be well intended but advice always comes from a
position of supposed superiority and if you don't really know what
they're going through, it's hard to make guesses about what's best
for them "in your experience". Stick to the facts, the medical
advice, and the things you know that your spouse will respond to.
* Your spouse's depressed behavior isn't indicative of who he or she
really is as a person. His or her social skills are impaired which
could cause them to be withdrawn, shy, sullen or even angry. If
your spouse lashes out in anger, it is out of frustration with
themselves and their feelings; they aren't angry with you, you
just happen to be there.
* If your spouse isn't in the mood for sex, don't take it
personally. Their disinterest is a result of their depression and
has nothing to do with you. Decreased libido is a classic symptom
of depression, in addition to a common side-effect of
anti-depressants. It doesn't mean that your spouse doesn't love
you or isn't attracted to you.
!! Warnings !!
* Don't try to fix everything on your own, because you can't. Seek
out the help of friends and family members. Do the best you can
and acknowledge your efforts.
* Avoid arguing with a depressed person about not taking
medications; this can simply make him or her more stubborn and
less likely to recover.
* While being supportive of most paths to recovery, do not indulge
your spouse's or partner's attempts to resort to substance abuse
as a way of feeling better about themselves. While it might work
short-term, this will not be of help in the long term and will
ultimately be more damaging.
* Realize that depression can recur. Learn to spot the warning signs
early and to alert your spouse or partner that he or she is
exhibiting these signs and that it is time to seek help, early.
Substance abusers (drugs or alcohol) are four times more likely to
relapse than non-abusers.[8]
* Alcohol and drugs interfere with depression medications and
prevent them from working properly. They will also exacerbate
depression.[9]
!! Things You'll Need !!
* Resources on depression
* Hotline numbers and doctor's support
* Fun activities
* Favorite things to cheer up your spouse
* Your own hobbies and self-care time
!! Related WikiHows !!
* How to Cope with Depression
* How to Get Help in Living With Bipolar Disorder (Manic Depression)
* How to Help Someone with Depression
* How to Help a Friend Going Through Postpartum Depression
* How to Deal with Severe Clinical Depression
!! Sources And Citations !!
!! Article Tools !!
* Read on wikiHow
*
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