Friday 22 October 2010

Are You a Pushover? 11 Ways to Stand Up for Yourself

Are You a Pushover? 11 Ways to Stand Up for Yourself

Tired of hiding from the people who scare you? Standing up
for yourself can be challenging if you're used to letting
others have their way or you're a people pleaser. When you
trim yourself down to suit everyone else, it's all too easy
to whittle yourself away; learning to stand up for yourself
is a way of ensuring other people respect you and don't try
to push you around or manipulate you. Unlearning the old
habits of self-effacement and gaining the confidence to
stand up for yourself won't happen overnight but the journey
to improvement starts with the first step; and here is how.

!! Steps !!

Want to make a change. The will to change how others perceive you
and how you interact with them is vital. If you're tired of being a
doormat, a people pleaser, intimidated, and pushed around, then
you're ready to get started.

Believe in yourself. If you don't have confidence in yourself, it
will be difficult to succeed in anything; people don't look up to or
respect a person who is incapable of exuding self confidence. It's
easy to spot a person down on their luck and lacking in
self-confidence, and mastering self-belief is the first step to
standing up for yourself.

* Learn how to make decisions based on your own experience of what
works and what does not work. If you're always ready to take on
board the thinking of others without formulating what you believe
in deeply and truly, then you'll be overwhelmed by what someone
else is thinking every time.

* Set your own agenda. There are a lot of rules out there about how
to live, how to behave, how to get along with others, etc. (to
avoid irony, hopefully you're reading this very article in the
spirit of a _guide_, _not_ a rulebook!) If you tried to follow
everyone else's advice, you'd never have time to be you. Instead,
look inside and form an agenda that suits who you are and follow
your own drum beat. Rules, fads, and what's popular will change;
your basic essence won't.

* Set goals. Goals give you a sense of purpose, a sense of control
over your own destiny and help you to know what you want. And
knowing what you want is the secret to not having other people
insert their wants into your life without your acquiescence. When
you achieve goals, recognize your endeavors and pat yourself on
the back for believing in your ability to achieve things.

Change your attitude. Your attitude is everything and will impact
how other people perceive you, right through to the signals you're
unconsciously sending out.Your attitude sets the tone of your voice,
the quality of your thoughts, and is reflected in your facial
expressions and body language.[1] And attitude is infectious. If
you're bubbly, happy, and bright about things, you'll encourage
those around you to feel good about themselves and the world around
them. If you're morose, pessimistic, and down about everything,
you'll soon infect others with the same negativity. We naturally
prefer to be hanging around the person who makes us feel good about
ourselves, and we're more inclined to listen and respond positively
to someone who has a good attitude; by the same token, we're more
likely to dismiss a person who tries to play the shrinking violet,
the victim, or the permanently oppressed. Make the choice to put on
a positive attitude around others and you're on your way to standing
up for yourself.

Seek to undo the damage wrought by life's hardships. For many
people, an inability to stand up for oneself is rooted in a series
of experiences in life which resulted in negative outcomes that were
turned inward, and become a reason to put yourself down around
others. The reality is that everyone experiences life's
vicissitudes; it's how we respond to them that changes everything.
By choosing to take the negative occurrences personally and to
retreat into your shell, you stop standing up for yourself and start
letting life buffet you about. Taking action can be as easy as
making a decision to stop taking negative things personally, but for
most people it requires working through the resulting negative
thinking patterns and learning to reroute them. Some key things to
keep in mind include:

* Beware staying in victim mode: When you behave as a victim, you do
the very opposite of standing up for yourself. Instead, you're
seeking to shrink away from the responsibility of a situation and
often to target the blame for what's happening onto someone or
something else. If terrible things have happened to you in the
past, talking out the root causes with someone trusted will help
you to start reframing them as "experiences you've lived through"
rather than hiding behind them as a reason why people "should
understand" you. Nobody has the time to "understand" you unless
you're reciprocating or paying!

* Beware against taking passive aggressive responses toward people
and situations: Passive aggressive responses are ones in which you
begrudgingly do things against your will and end up filled with
resentment, anger turned inwards, hating people who "make" you
feel this way, feeling depressed and helpless, etc.[2] This
infects your relationships and can take a huge toll on your
physical and emotional health. Most of all, a passive aggressive
approach to life will never enable you to stand up for yourself.

* Beware of resorting to aggression. Aggression and violence are not
forms of standing up for yourself; rather, acting aggressively is
like acting out your pain in full technicolor. It's not a
constructive way to get what you want and it will put people
offside. Scared or annoyed people will leave you alone but then
you have nothing but loneliness and a lack of fulfillment left.

Trust your instincts about other people and act on them. If someone
doesn't feel right for you, don't hang around them; be courteous but
don't be a limpet. You don't owe difficult people any explanation
for your need to spend less time around them. Avoid bullies,
negative Nellies, and sarcastic Sams. You don't gain anything by
being in their presence and they're not doing anyone favors by
taking out their own inadequacies on other people. Keeping away from
sources of discomfort and trouble is not running away; it is still
very much about standing up for yourself because it demonstrates
that you won't let nonsense and nastiness impact your life.

* If you're not sure about whether or not being around someone is
good for you, ask a friend who doesn't know the person in question
what they think.

Learn assertiveness. Assertiveness is the key to standing up for
yourself. It isn't just a cliche, it's a bona fide means for
improving your chances of getting what you want and for being heard
properly. Being assertive enables you to express your wants, needs,
and preferences in a way that shows you're prepared to stand up for
yourself while still respecting the other person. Assertive
techniques improve your self-confidence and displays that you value
yourself.

* Assertiveness is, for the main part, a learned skill. There are
many excellent books and courses on assertiveness training
available. You might like to start by reading the classic _When I
Say No, I Feel Guilty_, by Manuel J Smith, and _Your perfect
right: A Guide to Assertive Living_, by Robert E. Alberti. See
also How to be assertive and Communicate in an Assertive Manner.

* Learning to say no will help you to stand up for yourself with
friends as well as people who intimidate you. Think about that
friend who keeps borrowing money but never pays it back;
assertiveness will enable you to ask for that money back and to
say no next time, all while maintaining your friendship.

Improve your physical strength. While you don't need to look like
iron man or iron woman, your appearance does matter and looking fit
and being able to defend yourself is an important part of standing
up for yourself. Look on this step with enthusiasm because keeping
fit and strong is fun and very rewarding.

* Check your posture. The manner in which you stand, walk, and sit
makes a big impression on people. Slouching, trying to shrink
away, and carrying yourself poorly will give the impression that
you've given up and unfortunately, it's almost an invitation to
being pushed about.

* Consider starting a martial arts or self-defense class. The inner
discipline taught will improve your confidence a great deal and
the moves you'll learn to defend yourself will double your
confidence.

* Take up a sport or form of physical exercise that you enjoy and do
it regularly. Something that helps to improve your strength,
stamina, and flexibility will improve your physical appearance and
will increase your physical strength. Choose the activity
according to your body type, personal interest, and time
availability.

Use your own body language to your advantage. Use open body language
to garner respect, agreement, and trust. Body language is a very
important means for deflecting people who would otherwise seek to
undermine you; whether or not they consciously register your
positive pose doesn't matter because they'll sense it regardless and
leave you alone.

* Open body language includes leaning forward, eye contact, standing
with your hands on your hips and feet apart, slow and deliberate
gestures, facing your heart to people when you meet them, and
uncrossing arms or legs.

* On the other hand, closed body language sends negative signals and
could leave you open to attack. Closed body language includes
crossed arms, clenched hands, fast and evasive gestures,
fidgeting, avoidance of eye contact, and turning your body
sideways.[3]

Oh really? Well, ... Defend yourself verbally when attacked,
provoked, or sidelined. Take care of yourself when someone tries to
put you down, box you in, or even hurt you physically. Naturally, the
manner in which you defend yourself will depend on the situation and
if someone is volatile, always put your safety first. Don't stand
there smoldering; it's far better to speak your mind. Even if the end
result doesn't change, you've demonstrated to yourself and others
that you won't stand for disrespect. More often than not, a polite
but firm clarification of the disrespectful comment or behavior will
be enough to draw attention to the need for it to change, especially
where there is an audience. For example: "Excuse me but I was next in
line and I'm in just as much of a hurry as the person who pushed in."

* Practice speaking under pressure. Sometimes it can appear that
you're not standing up for yourself simply because you cannot
articulate what needs to be said at the right moment. Take the
time to write out good responses to difficult situations and
practice them with a friend using a timer. Have your friend
pretend to be a difficult or intimidating person who showers you
with put-downs. Put on the timer for about 2 minutes and respond
away! Keep doing this until you get the hang of it (and try to
pick a friend who is already very good at standing up for
herself).

* Practice your tone of voice. Avoid whispering, mumbling, or
speaking too quickly. The tone of your voice and the speed of your
delivery are an important part of clarifying what you want and how
confident you're feeling.

Turn the negatives into positives. Another way of standing up for
yourself is to take the negatives thrown at you and to transform
them into good things. In the process of turning attacks inside out
to find the good, you're often unearthing jealousy or insecurity
from the person who threw the put-downs your way. For example:

* If someone claims you're bossy, rather than letting it cause you
to shrink some more, take this as evidence that you're a natural
leader, able to manage people and projects well, and a proactive
change agent.

* If someone claims you're shy, take it as a compliment that means
you're not ready to jump on the latest bandwagon but like to
reflect over the consequences first and then make up your mind.

* If someone says you're too sensitive or emotional, let this be a
sign that you've got a big heart and aren't afraid to let everyone
see it.

* Or maybe someone suggested you're not career-minded enough – for
you, that confirms you're living a stress-free life that will help
you to live longer.

Don't give up. No matter how hard you try to improve yourself, to
come out of your shell, and to increase your confidence, there will
be days when you feel that you're backsliding. Feeling sick, a bit
blue, or tired, are often reasons for feeling that everything is on
top of you. Rather than seeing this as a defeat in your attempt to
learn to stand up for yourself, see it for what it is – a day or
so where things went off the tracks temporarily before you feel
better and bounce back. Some tricks to use include:

* Fake it till you make it. Even if you don't feel confident, act as
if you do.

* Be consistent in your approach. People will grow to expect that
the person you are now is a person who stands up for himself.

* Expect some people to find your more assertive stance challenging.
It can take time to reshape the patterns you've formerly
established with people who used to walk all over you. In some
cases, you'll find you no longer want to be a part of their lives;
take it as it comes.

!! Video !!

!! Tips !!

* Use a confident, strong, and steady voice. Talk with authority and
confidence. It will help you to put your own thoughts and ideas
out there.

* If you find yourself in doubt when defending yourself, shelve it
and mull over it later. While in the thick of standing up for
yourself in front of others, doubt will only cause you to stumble.
There is plenty of time for reflection after the defense.

* Avoid yelling or shouting at people; it provides intimidating
people with a reason to laugh at you or make the situation worse
and it clearly demonstrates that you've lost control. Even a
scared person will react in disgust ultimately.

* Rely on friends and trusted people when you don't feel you can go
it alone – standing up for yourself doesn't have to be a lonely
journey.

!! Warnings !!

* This is a guide, not a rulebook. The rulebook should reside in
your own heart, built from your own experiences and preferences.
Take from it what you will; discard what isn't applicable to you.

* Expect that sometimes, other people who need to learn to stand up
for themselves will prove to be troublesome adversaries. You'll
instinctively sense their pain and weaknesses because they're
reflecting your own experiences but this is not a reason to let
down your guard and let them hurt or disrespect you. Help them to
see their way past insecure behaviors if you can but don't join
their misery spiral.

* Don't worry about people who find the more assertive you
confronting; you can always suggest things they can do to help
themselves but you don't need to explain yourself, apologize, or
stay glued to them. It's your life; keep standing up for yourself!

* Avoid saying things like "I've got to stand up for myself". This
informs people you're in training rather than confident enough
yet. Don't give them that inch; instead, let them assume you're
already standing up for yourself.

!! Related WikiHows !!

* How to Develop Self Esteem

* How to Cultivate Compassion in Your Life

* How to Appear Normal In Front of Your Enemy or Competitor

* How to Avoid Defensiveness About Politics

* How to Choose a Martial Arts School

!! Sources And Citations !!

!! Article Tools !!

* Read on wikiHow

*

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