Wednesday 27 October 2010

How to Break Up as Painlessly and Definitely as Possible

How to Break Up as Painlessly and Definitely as Possible

When you decide to end a relationship, what follows can be a
difficult, sometimes torturous series of events, especially if the
feelings are deep-rooted, circumstances are intertwined, and the
break-up isn't mutual. It may be one of the hardest things you ever
do, but otherwise, an unhealthy and unhappy relationship can drag on
for years and perhaps even decades. Here's how to be strong and end it
now.

!! Steps !!

Think about why you're breaking up with this
person. If you're simply upset with your
partner, consider talking about what upset you
and focus on resolving it, rather than ending
the relationship. But if this same issue has
already been discussed, yet nothing changes and
you keep feeling unsatisfied, hurt, or betrayed,
then breaking up might be the only way to end
the pattern.

* Your partner will ask you why you want out – be prepared with
answers. Before having "the talk" that ends the relationship, do
your best to articulate the reasons you are breaking up. If you
have trouble remembering examples during emotional discussions or
arguments, write your reasons down in advance. It may help to talk
this over with someone you trust, or with a counselor.

Plan out how long you're willing to spend
breaking up. The actual conversation in which
you break up with this person can last a lot
longer than it should, especially if your
partner is devastated or completely surprised
by your decision. It'll be much easier for you
to stick to your guns if the conversation
doesn't drag out.

* Expect to spend at least one hour breaking up, and longer if the
relationship lasted a year or more. You may even want to arrange
an appointment with a friend in a neutral location so that you can
say "I'm supposed to meet John/Jane/James at the restaurant in
fifteen minutes, so I have to go now."

Break up in person. It's easier to break up
with someone if you don't have to look the
person in the eye, but it can also be
interpreted as cruel and cowardly. Unless
you're a long distance away and choose not to
wait until you see the person again, or you're
afraid of the other person, don't break up by
phone, e-mail, or through an instant messenger
system. And don't even think about breaking up
with someone by pulling a disappearing act,
even if it's just by suddenly eliminating
contact with the person. The lack of closure
can be psychologically damaging.

* If you don't live together, break the news at his or her home and
in private. They'll want to feel safe enough to respond
emotionally – no one wants to be broken up with in public or
near family and friends, and risk bursting into tears, or be
forced to bottle up all those emotions. While you can break up
with them at your place, making someone go home after getting news
like that will be difficult, and could make them more bitter. If
you're at your partner's home, you can leave after you feel you've
made your decision clear.

* If you live together, breaking-up will be particularly problematic
and stressful; have a place where you can stay until the person
you've broken up with digests the big change. You can either move
all of your stuff while they're not home and then break up when
they come home and notice, or break up and leave with some of your
things with the intention to come back when things have calmed
down to get the rest of your belongings. Either way will be very
difficult for the other person, but only you know what's best for
your situation.

* Break up calmly. If you say the dreaded
words "We need to talk", your partner will immediately know what's
going on, and that's not a bad thing. You don't want to blurt out
"We need to break up" out of the blue, or worse, when you're in an
argument. Approach the breakup calmly and peacefully, with a sense
of resolution. Sit down with your partner and let him or her know
that you've decided to end the relationship.
Expect any or all of the following reactions:

* Questioning – He or she will want to know why, and whether there
was anything he or she could have done to prevent the breakup.
Answer the questions as honestly as possible.

* Crying – The other person will likely be
upset, and it will show. You can comfort him or her, but don't
allow yourself to be manipulated into changing your decision.

* Arguing – He or she may dispute anything you've said during the
breakup, including examples you used in your reasons for breaking
up. Don't get dragged into a fight, and don't split hairs. Let
your partner know that arguing isn't going to change your
decision.

* Bargaining or begging – He or she may offer to change, or to do
things differently in order to preserve the relationship. If the
person didn't change when you've discussed your problems in the
past, it's too late to expect him or her to truly change now.

* Lashing out – Whether it's as simple as saying "You'll never
find anyone as good as me" or as scary as saying "I'll make you
regret this", he or she is usually just trying to make himself or
herself feel better. Threats of physical harm, however, are
serious and should not be ignored. If you feel that your safety is
at risk, stay calm and leave quickly.

Distance yourself. It will be difficult, but
don't call them, don't go to places you know
they frequent, and make yourself scarce. Your
ex may try to get in touch, but wait a while
(some people suggest six months) before
resuming contact, if at all. You felt close to
this person at one point in your life, and you
will probably always have a soft spot for him
or her, but it's time for both of you to move
on.

* Now is the perfect time to focus on those missed opportunities.
Take the time to reflect on your situation and learn more about
yourself. Do all the things you've ever wanted to do, that you
wouldn't have done if you were still with this person.

* Realize that breaking up is just a normal
part of life. Yes, breaking up is difficult - but like it or not,
this is a normal part of adolescent and adult life, and as much as
it's painful, it's also very normal. Sometimes you'll be the
"dumper", sometimes you might be the "dumpee". We all experience
heartbreak; it hurts – but we all survive it, and you (and your
ex) will too.

!! Video !!

!! Tips !!

* If you're sure you want to break up with somebody, it's best done
sooner rather than later. However, if your partner has had a
particularly bad day already, you may want to consider waiting for
a better moment. Breaking up with them when they're already down
will make the breakup much harder for both of you.

* While honesty is the best policy, focus on the fundamental issues
destroying the relationship and don't nitpick on the little
annoyances that drive you mad. Those annoyances are usually
symptoms of the underlying problems – we're far more likely to
get annoyed, irritable, and frustrated when we know the
relationship isn't working out.

!! Warnings !!

* Never break up in the heat of the moment. If the relationship is
already broken beyond repair, that won't change once the argument
is over and the anger has passed. Break up when you're both calm
and can talk it over peacefully. That's when you have the best
chance of closure.

* Never threaten that you will break up with your partner. If you
have problems or concerns, work through them _or_ break up.
Threats will only make a relationship worse and their impact tends
to diminish with repeated use.

!! Related WikiHows !!

* How to End a Controlling or Manipulative Relationship

* How to Get Over a Break Up

* How to Break up With Someone Using Style and Sensitivity

* How to Fall Out of Love

* How to End a Relationship

!! Article Tools !!

* Read on wikiHow

*

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