Some mother-in-laws are sweet. They bake cookies for you
and support your every decision; or they're simply glad
you're a part of their life and leave you to get on with
it. Others are bitter. They constantly talk bad about you
and undermine your choices. If your mother-in-law is more
troll than fairy princess, then this guide is for you!
!! Steps !!
Work through your own feelings about your mother-in-law before all
else. Are you able to put yourself in her shoes occasionally and see
just where some of her so-called interfering or judgmental behavior
comes from? She values the person you're married to, so there must
be something good inside her!
* Keep in mind that whatever _your_ feelings, your mother-in-law
remains one of the most important people in your spouse's life. Be
sure it's not your own untamed jealousy causing problems.
Stay polite. One of the hardest parts of a negative relationship
with your mother-in-law is keeping your mouth shut when she brings
out the nitpicking, critical comments. Being polite is not the same
as putting up with what is being done; you're still perfectly
entitled to stand up for yourself, but it is about not stooping to
the same level.
* Even if she says nasty things about you, don't repeat them.
* Don't criticize her in front of your spouse. Your spouse will be
stuck between a rock and a hard place, and even if he or she
starts to see your side of things, it will be hurtful to have to
join in any undermining.
* Equally, never criticize your spouse in front of her; this will
simply make her defensive and cause her to see you in a bad light.
Use humor. Deflecting criticism with humor can deflate the barbs
intended and put everyone at ease again. When it seems that all
she's interested in doing is complaining, try to find witty means
for replying.
* For example, your mother-in-law is complaining about the weather
again. Reply with "Well, at least it means we don't have to sit
indoors complaining about how cold it is. C'mon, we're all going
to the beach now!"
Look for the good she does and praise it. Always do this in her
presence and be genuine. Praising the behavior you want from another
person is an often successful technique for ensuring that the
desired behavior is repeated. Ignore the undermining behavior
completely; just focus one what her good points are.
* Thank her for raising such a wonderful spouse!
* Flatter her by passing on a compliment about her that someone else
you know made about her (for example, "Your mother-in-law is
amazing!").
Be kind and get to know her. Just like you, your mother-in-law has
experienced life's problems, joys, and losses. And just like you,
she cares about the person you've married. Take some time to ask her
questions about her life, to try and get to know her better. Perhaps
some of her complaints stem directly from experiences she's had in
the past of things that didn't work out for her and she's really
worried that the two of you will repeat the wheel. If you understand
her fears and concerns better, you'll be in a better position to
reassure her.
* Ask her for things that show you respect her knowledge. Ask for
the recipe of a cake that she bakes that you love. Ask her how she
manages to keep her hair in such great shape. Ask her how she
found balancing work and child-raising. Ask her why she loves
motorcycling so much. Ask her all sorts of things under the sun
that allow her to talk about herself. You will learn a lot and
it's a good opportunity to reassure her of the things that she
does best.
* Next time you're at her house, try to spend a few moments with her
in the kitchen or sit near her and chat. If the conversation
doesn't go that well, you can always get up to use the bathroom
and sit back down in another chair!
* Ask her to do things for you if you don't think she'll take this
as an imposition. Ask her to make lunch (if you're brave). Ask her
to proofread your report before submitting it. Ask for her
professional opinion about something if she's qualified in a
particular field. Ask her to prune your roses. Ask for whatever
you think she has expertise in and will enjoy helping you with or
offering advice about.
Give gifts. Give your mother-in-law a gift from just you for no
other reason than to let her know she counts in your life. A gift
can show you care provided you've taken the time to put effort into
it. Make something by hand, or personally select something in her
favorite colors or style. If you have to, get your spouse to choose
the present, then say it's from you. Make sure it's something she
will enjoy. If she sees that you are thinking about her and know her
tastes, it will help win her over.
Clarify misunderstandings. Don't allow your relationship with your
mother-in-law to be directed by her assumptions about you and your
needs. This is at least one area where you can set her straight,
even if she doesn't want to listen. Be assertive and use the broken
record technique to keep reminding her whenever she gets things
mixed up that things are not as she says they are. Do it politely,
firmly, and repeatedly. She'll get the message that there are some
things which you will continue to insist on regardless of her
assumptions.
* For example, if your mother-in-law keeps comparing her challenging
life with your lucky and wealthy one, look her in the eye and tell
her straight: "Barbara, I am not sure why you think we have the
lifestyle you're depicting but it's the wrong picture. We're
paying a mortgage just like you, we're still paying off our
college fees, and we're trying hard to save up for a special
vacation so that the kids can have a good time. It's not about
luck for us; it's about good financial management and we stretch
our earnings the best we can to ensure our kids have good
experiences." Keep repeating the "It's good management, not luck"
message every time she brings up the subject; soon enough, it'll
start to bore her.
* If your mother-in-law criticizes your appearance or weight, or
that of your children, don't let this one go. It's too personal
and invasive. For example, you might respond: "I appreciate that
you're concerned about my weight but I'm within a healthy weight
range and I'm eating well. My doctor is happy with my health." Or,
"I understand that you worry about Kaila's weight and appearance
but I prefer to concentrate on the children's personality and
intellectual development rather than making them feel
uncomfortable about their physical appearance. Kaila's eating
healthily and her doctor's happy with her health."
* Responding in a direct manner and addressing your mother-in-law's
complaints will disarm her to an extent but it also lets her know
that you will stand up for yourself and family when you believe
that a line has been crossed.
Give her space. Let her spend time alone with her child. Don't
always expect to be hovering around your spouse and knowing
everything that's happening right then.
* Don't compete with her. If she makes the best sponge cake this
side of Texas or has the wittiest comebacks you've ever heard,
stop trying to outdo her. Rely on letting your own unique
strengths that attracted your spouse to you to shine forth
instead. There is plenty of room for both of you!
Talk it through with your spouse. Telling your spouse is vital; if
your spouse has no idea how you're feeling, he or she may put you in
situations you'd rather not be in, like taking care of dear old mom
while she's sick. Find an opportune time to sit down together and
talk through the issues in a calm and kind way.
* Tell your spouse _kindly_ (remember, this is his or her mother)
how you feel. State the facts, not your opinions. For example, if
your mother-in-law tried to run you over with her SUV, say so.
Don't say, "She's horrible and she wants to kill me!" Explain very
clearly, without being rude and hurtful: "Ah Bruce, I'm worried
your mom might be having sight problems because last week she back
the SUV right into me even though it was the middle of the day and
I was wearing a bright red dress."
* Discuss calmly. Ask your spouse how he or she feels about your
mother's behavior (present the facts, not your perception). If the
both of you are sharing opinions, it may allow you to be more
honest.
* If it's good enough for you, it's good enough for your spouse.
Don't freak out if your spouse hates your own mother with a
passion! Remember, if you're just finding out now, then obviously
they've done a good job at hiding it. So expect them to continue
hiding it around your family.
* Don't be surprised if your spouse refuses to "take sides". He or
she loves both of you equally, so taking sides can seem petty and
pointless in such a case.
Be inclusive regardless of your personal feelings. Okay, so you know
she doesn't like you and you're pretty sure she knows that you don't
like her. This doesn't mean you can just stop visiting. This is your
spouse's mother, remember, and a mother is very important in life.
Don't be rude when your wife or husband wants to visit his or her
parents on a Saturday afternoon. You still need to let their
child-parent relationship breathe. Visit with your spouse – don't
make yourself scarce. Your in-laws will think you're a wuss and this
will only make them dislike you more. Remember, the goal is to "get
along" with your mother in law...
* Equally, you can set limitations on the visits. Don't put yourself
into the situation of out-staying your ability to cope. If you're
obliged to stay in the same house, keep it short and sweet.
!! Video !!
!! Tips !!
* If you have children, avoid being hostile with your mother-in-law.
If she treats the kids well, then she can't be completely
horrible. However, if she's being mean to them because she doesn't
like you, keep them away from her. Children are impressionable and
will not understand. Talk to your spouse and again, use clear
examples.
* If you've been married for over 15 years and your mother-in-law
still hates your guts, ignore these tips. You're screwed! Unless
some major, life-changing event comes along–like she gets cancer
and suddenly loves everyone–you're out of luck. On the positive
side, however, the older you get, the more your relationship with
your mother-in-law is likely to improve.[1]
* If she calls you and you don't answer the phone, return the call.
Everyone knows everyone has caller I.D. She knows eventually
you'll see her name or number on your phone. There's nothing
worse than playing the passive-aggressive. She can see right
through that. Ignoring her won't help your relationship with her.
Return the call as soon as possible, and if need be, keep the
conversation short but sweet.
* Accept that she will always see you in a different light from her
off-spring; if there are any issues to be resolved or words spoken
to correct mother-in-law's bad behaviour, let your spouse discuss
this with her. Some mother-in-laws have a way of turning it around
on you as public enemy number one!
* Remember, it's probably nothing against you personally. Your
mother-in-law may never think anyone's good enough for her child;
that's her psychological hurdle, not yours. You're usually not the
direct issue.
* Allow your spouse and mother-in-law to spend one-on-one time
together casually without you. Talk to your spouse beforehand and
ask him or her to reassure her that he or she will always love
her, it's just that once married, the two of you need more space
to be husband and wife.
!! Warnings !!
* Don't be fake! If your mother-in-law is over the age of 25, then
she's had plenty of life experience. If you're syrupy sweet,
she'll see right through you. This is the danger zone. Sure, she
doesn't like you now, but once you start being too nice, she'll
get suspicious and never let you out of her sight!
* Don't keep griping about her. You and your spouse are in love] and
happy (right?) so why let someone ruin it? Don't constantly
complain about her. When your spouse tells you some little tidbit
about what their mom's up to, don't get nasty and start in. Just
nod and smile, then change the subject. Simple.
* Don't declare war. Subtle sniping is tolerable. But screaming and
hollering is not fine. If you ever find yourself yelling at her,
"I hate you! I wish you'd just die!" then you've gone too far. A
good rule of thumb is: if you're treating her how you treated your
own mom while you were going through puberty, then you're making
your disdain too obvious. Back-pedal and buy lots of gifts!
* Don't let her control your life. If you've honestly tried your
best to win her over, and she still hates you, then you have two
choices. 1: Talk to her about it. Say, "I get the feeling you
really don't like me. What did I do?" Or, 2: Move on! Your
mother-in-law is only a small part of your life. Go to work, raise
your children, love your spouse, take care of your own parents.
Don't let one mean person ruin everything.
* Don't tell her kids you hate her. If your spouse has a few sisters
or brothers, don't look to them as allies. They are your
mother-in-law's children and will hate you just as much! Are you
nuts?!
!! Related WikiHows !!
* How to Handle House Guests That Stay Too Long
* How to Be a Great Husband
* How to Show Your Wife or Husband That You Truly Love Them
* How to Deal With Intrusive, Needy Mother in Laws
* How to Be a Good Mother in Law
!! Sources And Citations !!
!! Article Tools !!
* Read on wikiHow
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