It's bad enough to have a little tiff with your beloved one,
but what do you do when you've had the mother of all
arguments? Even if it didn't turn into a knock-down, name
calling, drag-out fight, both of you can end up nursing
resentment, anger, and a lot of residual upset. Here's how
to put things right - or decide if it's time to go your
separate ways.
!! Steps !!
Accept your upset and unsettled feelings. In the wake of a serious
argument, both of you are likely to feel anxious and fearful. Will
you break up? Will things work out? Rather than becoming clingy,
controlling, or needy - very unattractive, and unhealthy to boot -
just accept the fact that after a fight, you will both feel a
little bruised and tender. It's normal to feel upset and unsettled.
The key is to simply ride out these feelings, behave normally, and
to let the fight go. As you go on with your life together, the
"leftovers" of this fight _will_ fade away.
Analyze the cause of the fight honestly. Once things are calmer,
first you should individually begin to truly analyze and examine
the root of the argument. Is it a repeat - have you had this
argument before? Or is this a new issue? Did you give in, simply
to have the fight end? Or, did you find yourself doggedly
defending your position, even though in truth you no longer wanted
to?
* If you're revisiting a subject often, with the result that you
argue each time, you may need to face the fact that this issue
could be a deal-breaker for you as a couple. However, if you
realize after it's all over and the dust has settled that the
argument was not as critical as one or both of you now believe,
you can take steps to eliminate that cause as a future argument in
the making.
Decide whether you want to be right, or stay in this relationship.
Stubbornly holding onto anger and defending a position which has
resulted in a stalemate will only poison your relationship in the
end. When neither of you will budge, both believing you're in the
right, one of you will have to make a move. If it's you, there's a
good chance you'll stay together (whether you should or not is
debatable at this point). If you won't, there's a good chance she
will leave - or you will. If you want to stay together, suck it up
and apologize.
* You don't have to admit you were wrong - besides, that would be a
lie. But you do have to put an end to the fight. For example: "I
don't know if we're ever going to see eye to eye on this, but I do
know that I love you and don't want to fight any more. Please, can
we let this drop? I feel so bad to see you so upset with me. I'm
sorry for letting the fight get so out of hand. Can you forgive
me, and let's move on?"
Agree to disagree. If you cannot agree to disagree on this
subject, you'll end up breaking up with your girlfriend. However,
if, even though you still don't see eye to eye on this issue, you
can simply realize that your girlfriend is an intelligent,
thoughtful person with an opinion differing from your own, then
you can choose to let the argument go. In other words, realizing
you cannot persuade her to change her mind, simply accept your
difference of opinion, be the bigger man (or woman), and take the
high road.
Avoid that subject in the future. If this argument does _not_ come
up frequently, then don't go looking for trouble. Once you've
determined that you'll never agree, accept that fact - and _truly_
apply your acceptance of that fact. From that point on, do not
take up an opposing position if your girlfriend chooses to argue
the point with others - and definitely do not argue about it with
her. Simply say, "Sweetie, we're probably never going to agree on
this point. Let's just not go there."
Attempt to prevent future arguments from escalating the same way.
Although it sounds romantic to have huge blowups and then spend
days "making up", realizing how much you love and appreciate one
another, if this occurs only to start a new cycle of building
stress and tension as you prepare for another volcanic eruption,
it will devastate your relationship over time. Just as even the
mightiest mountain will crumble to dust under the relentless
stress of repeated earthquakes, so your relationship will be
destroyed by regular or frequent heart-wrenching disagreements. If
you find you're having a disagreement that is spiraling out of
control and into a huge conflagration, stop. Here are ways to
prevent the explosion:
* Stop. Take a breath.
* Get your girlfriend to do the same.
* Tell her, "This is getting out of control."
* If you can't control your temper, or she can't control hers,
leave. Don't stalk out in a huff. Just say, "I don't want this to
turn into a huge explosion, so I'm going to go for a walk, all
right?" Deflect any tearful or angry accusations that you "don't
love her" or "if you leave now, don't come back," by saying, "I
know you can't mean that, but if you do, that's a chance I'll have
to take. I'm not willing to live like this, and if this is what I
can expect every time we have an argument, maybe it's better that
I _don't_ come back." If she angrily tells you that's fine, go
ahead and find someplace to bunk for the night. Then see the next
tip.
* Give it time. Wait until morning and call her. If the relationship
is sound, she should answer and you should be able to talk calmly
by this point. If the relationship is doomed, you'll end up
calling 30 to 300 times only to have her (A) not answer, (B) yell
angrily that she told you if you left it was over, or (C) text you
that you're a jerk, not allowing you to respond. See next tip.
* If none of the above tips have defused the situation, face facts,
it's over. Let it go.
Decide whether you and your girlfriend should allow your
relationship to survive only to fight another day. If you've been
successful in re-setting things once you've had a big fight like
this, you now have to decide whether you and your girl are truly a
match. A big fight like this should not happen more than one time
in a year - and better yet, the longer you're together, the better
you know one another, the less often you argue, period. If that's
not the case, you have a problem.
* If your argument styles are very different, and she likes to yell,
throw things, and pout for hours, turning many small fights into
big ones, while you prefer a calmer, more thoughtful approach,
consider the fact that we date before marrying in order to watch
how our partner behaves under stress. If your girlfriend's
behavior under stress causes big strain and cracks in your
relationship are evident, maybe it's time to admit that you and
she are not a good match. Explain this to her.
!! Video !!
!! Tips !!
* Don't accept blame for the fight if it isn't your fault. If it is
your fault, there may be a temptation to beg, plead, or "make it
up" to her. Don't succumb to it even if it _is_ your fault. If you
can't talk it through like adults, let it end.
* Remember that she's your girlfriend, not your wife. Sometimes, big
fights are a way that one partner "gets a rise" out of the other.
Dating is the way both partners decide if this is the person they
want to spend their lives with. If your girlfriend often resorts
to "trying to get a rise out of you" in this way, decide whether
you want to go through this again and again throughout your life
together.
* If you've been together for a year, but you realize that since
about the third month you've been having fights like this, you're
in a toxic relationship and should consider ending it. When you've
been "trying to work things out" for longer than you've been happy
together, the relationship is not worth the effort.
* By the same token, don't discard a relationship of a year or more
that has been good up until now. If you've recently begun fighting
over things you didn't disagree on before, or if she's suddenly
started making a really big deal over things, maybe something else
is at the root of the problem, such as work stress, or an
undiagnosed illness. Don't just bail at the first sign of trouble
- see if you can find out what's really wrong, and what these big
fights are really all about.
!! Warnings !!
* Escalation of arguments is a sign that you're in a controlling or
manipulative relationship. Turning a simple disagreement into a
huge argument is a control tactic: It keeps you there, with her.
It wears you out as it goes on and on. When you say you want a
break or to take a walk, she threatens that she'll end it, kill
herself, or other negative things. The longer it goes on, the more
triumphant she is in her victory (keeping the argument alive, and
keeping you there). As you become more exhausted, both physically
and emotionally, you may capitulate, just to put an end to the
argument. Here's where you start apologizing, then when she
doesn't want to accept your apology (even though that's what she's
been trying to get out of you for the past two hours), you begin
begging for forgiveness. Soon, though she was the one who started
the bad part of the argument, you're the one pleading with her to
let you make it up to her. And then she wins. You're hooked in a
relationship where you'll always lose, and feel lucky to let her
win. It's not a good way to go.
!! Related WikiHows !!
* How to Recognize a Manipulative or Controlling Relationship
* How to End a Controlling or Manipulative Relationship
* How to Deal With Impossible People
* How to Break Up
* How to Get Your Girlfriend to Forgive You
!! Article Tools !!
* Read on wikiHow
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