Feeling a little wary about breaking up with
someone face to face? It can happen, especially
where you're in an unhappy or abusive
relationship, or because of the reality that you
live a long way apart from one another, whether
for work, study, or other reasons. Breaking up
over the phone may not be the most ideal way to
end a relationship but where it is a safe or only
available method, it can be done well. This
article will help you learn how to go about
successfully, seeking as smooth an ending as
possible.
!! Steps !!
_ Think it through! Do a reality check before dialing the number.
Be one hundred percent certain that this is what you want because
once the words are said, that's it, the other person will be
absolutely aware of your thoughts. If you are breaking up because
you haven't been able to see this person for a while (such as in a
long distance relationship), be sure that you're happy about not
meeting with them in person to discuss things before seeking to
break up completely.
* Also consider if the phone really is the best method for doing
this. For a relationship that is fairly young, abusive, or
distant, this may be the best choice – you're not heavily
invested in a young relationship going nowhere, you're probably
scared if the relationship is abusive, and if there is distance
involved, the practicalities require a phone break up. But where
you've been dating for a long time, it might be rough not only on
the recipient but on you too. Then again, if you really cannot
bear the thought of seeing their face and reactions, or you're
genuinely concerned that this will make you undo your commitment
to break up by not remaining resolute, the phone might be a valid
option. It's your conscience!
* Don't wait for the person to call you. Once you've made up your
mind that this is the only path to take, do it. Unless it's
incredibly difficult for you to get in touch with the other
person, draw the courage to make the call and get it over with. No
matter how much you've been thinking this through, it's highly
likely that the other person won't be expecting the break up. If
you've waited for them to call you first, only to break the news
you want out of the relationship, it will be extra shocking to
your significant other who called in looking forward to talking to
you, only to realize you've been waiting to break up with them.
Maybe the movie set's not the best place to call her? Make sure
the person you're breaking up with is in a comfortable place. In
the age of mobile technology, you can't be sure whether the
person you're calling is at home, or on the train, or shopping
for groceries, or even stuck in a public phone booth (more likely
if they're traveling). If possible, try to call the person when
you know they'll have the privacy to process the break up
appropriately. If they are busy when you call, or you feel that
they're in an inappropriate place to hear this news, you have two
choices:
* Pretend everything is normal, and try again another time.
* Let them know you need to talk about something important.
Understand that this will likely make the person nervous and
worried, possibly distracting them from the task at hand, so be
careful of your tone and the sense of urgency with which you
convey this "need to talk".
* Break up definitively. Say "I'm breaking up with you" or "I've
decided to end the relationship." This tells your partner that
it's over, not that it might_ be over (in which case they could
try to persuade you to change your mind). Don't say anything to
encourage negotiation, like "I _think_ I want to break up" or "I
don't want to be with you anymore" or "I'm not happy with this
relationship."
* Expect this to be a totally difficult
conversation from the moment you tell them onwards. Be ready for
their surprise and awkward silences. Depending on their
personality and ability to take bad news, expect anything from
silence, to crying, to outrage, to threats that "this isn't over
until I've had a chance to come and talk this through with you".
Being prepared for the reactions is important, because you will
need exit strategies in mind.
* Bring the conversation to a close. Whether the reaction is
questions, crying, arguing, begging, or lashing out, stay calm and
committed to your decision. Don't let the conversation drag out.
No matter what your reasons, and how unjust or untrue the other
person might think those reasons are, you're still entitled to end
a relationship you don't want to be anymore. Briefly work out any
logistics (e.g. "I'll come by tomorrow while you're at work and
pick up my stuff, please leave it on the front porch") and end the
conversation: "I understand if you don't agree with my reasons,
but that doesn't change my decision. I wish you the best.
Goodbye."
!! Tips !!
* To help finalize the break up and give the person closure, it's
best to avoid their calls and not respond to any contact from them
for at least week, unless it's necessary (in which case you should
be polite but curt). Emails and texts may come into the equation
after breaking up, too. Ignore these as well. With emails, divert
them to a folder so that you don't even see them.
* If you are sure you want to break up with somebody, it is best
done sooner rather than later. However, if your partner has had a
particularly bad day already, you may want to consider waiting for
a better moment. Breaking up with them when they are already down
will make the break-up much harder for both of you.
* Breaking up over the phone is eminently kinder than breaking up
over Facebook. At least nobody else gets to listen in on the
phone, unless you're really vindictive...
* One thing that can ease your concern about breaking up over the
phone is the reality that however you break up, it'll still hurt.
Whether or not it's possible to put a scale of grading on added
hurt from a phone call break up will depend on the length of
relationship and the people involved, as it's highly subjective.
* One of the things that makes phone break-ups so difficult is the
lack of "closure" that the person on the receiving end might feel,
or they will say it is "cold, unfeeling, insulting", etc. Without
the opportunity to see you and argue their case, they may carry
around a wound of being victimized and not being allowed their
chance to fight for the relationship. While their unhappiness and
reaction is perfectly understandable and your action is hurtful,
the reality is that once one person has decided the relationship
has ended, it's over and continued wheedling, pleading, and
arguing will only make things worse. A person who nurses an
emotional wound like this long after the break-up needs to seek
counseling, something that you cannot shoulder as a personal
burden.
* There can be a great irony in breaking up with someone over the
phone when you haven't spoken to one another for weeks. You might
need to pluck up more courage to manage this than seeing them!
* Where your relationship is not exclusive, breaking up by phone can
be an easier method than catching up in person because neither of
you are intensely committed.
!! Warnings !!
* Never break up in the heat of the moment. If the relationship is
already broken beyond repair, that won't change once the argument
is over and the anger has passed. Break up with you're both calm
and can talk it over peacefully. That's when you have the best
chance of closure.
* If you're afraid of a person because you've been in an abusive
relationship, get support. If you need to remove items from the
house you were sharing, have other people accompany you when you
do so.
* Sometimes the other person won't get the hint. And they may turn
up in person to harass you; again, seek appropriate support if
this becomes an issue of harassment, stalking, or threats.
* Don't judge others harshly for doing this. Can you really say that
you're above breaking up with someone over the phone? You never
know when you might be in a situation where this is the safest or
most emotionally stable way of coping with a break up. While there
is nothing wrong with supporting a girlfriend or mate who is at
the receiving end of such a break-up method, it pays to keep an
open mind as you weren't a part of their relationship.
!! Related WikiHows !!
* How to Break Up
* How to Break up over IM
* How to End a Controlling or Manipulative Relationship
* How to Leave Someone for Good
!! Article Tools !!
* Read on wikiHow
*
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