Whether you're a host or a guest, there are loads
of social situations that will call for
interaction, even when you're stumped for some
way to oil the wheels of conversation. Starting a
conversation when you've got nothing to talk
about is partly about nerves, partly about
talking yourself into believing that you have
nothing in common with the other person, and
partly an unwillingness to try the new or even to
put in the effort.
Overcome the nerves and the lukewarm desire to find ways of conversing
with others you might never have tried before and become a lot more
comfortable around people in a conversational setting. Here are some
suggestions to help.
!! Steps !!
* Begin by introducing yourself. It's very
simple, and consists of telling the new person your name, offering
your hand to shake and smiling.
Be aware of your internal monologue. When you
suddenly feel that you're not able to engage in
conversation with another person, it's likely
that you're telling yourself a few negative
things, such as worrying that you're boring,
not good enough, too unimportant, intruding,
wasting their time, etc. You might also be
worrying about what the other person is
thinking about you and this concern causes you
to feel tongue-tied. Feeling self-conscious
when carrying on conversation with others is
not unusual but it's also not productive. Try
to keep in mind that everyone has these
self-doubts from time to time but that it's
essential to overcome them in order to engage
with fellow human beings.
* Reassure yourself that the other person is not judging you. And
even if they, think "so what?" and don't give them the upper hand
in your life.
* Realize that there are many good ways to leap over your negative
inner monologue and to fire up the conversation. It's an art, it
can be learned, and it requires practice.
Understand the secret to a good conversation.
The secret at the heart of a good conversation
is to listen and do very little of the talking,
apart from encouraging the other person to open
up. Once you understand this, you should feel a
lot more reassured. Of course, there is an art
to getting this happening but it's not hard.
The process follows these two steps:
* Make a general comment about the location or occasion. Look around
and see if there is anything worth pointing out. Examples of
location or occasion comments: "What an amazing room!" or "Such
incredible catering!" or "I love this view!" or "Great dog!"
* Ask an open question and get them talking about themselves.
Know how to ask an open question. Most people
love to talk about themselves; it's your place
as the conversation starter to get them going.
An open question is a question that requires an
explanation for an answer, and not just a
simple "yes" or "no" as is commonly answered to
a closed question. Open questions tend to begin
with: Who? When? What? Why? Where? and How?
Closed questions (are you? do you? have you?)
only bring you back to the point of not knowing
how to get the conversation going, whereas open
questions oil the conversation and have the
other person doing the talking.
* A closed question: "Do you like books?", "Have you been to
university?", "Is spring your favorite season?", "Am I intruding?"
"Do you come here often?"
* An open question: "What sort of books do you like?", "What did you
study at university?", "Which is your favorite season? Why?",
"What are you doing right now?", "Where's your usual watering
hole?"
That's a great hairdo you've got there! Where d'ya get it
done?Put the location comment together with the open question
and your conversation will be underway. For example:
* "That's a nice handbag, where did you get it?". This lets the
handbag owner talk about the day that they went shopping and all
this funny stuff happened, as opposed to, "I like your handbag."
"Thank you." and then it's over.
* "What an amazing buffet! Which is your favorite dish?" This lets
the other person open up about food likes and anticipation of
eating.
* "Fantastic turn out! Which of the lecturers is your favorite?"
* "I love your costume. Which are your favorite sci-fi movies?"
Oh really? I had one just like it when I was a kid too!Know the
stuff of small talk. As well as using the location and open
question technique, be aware of good topics for conversation.
When you first meet people, it's important to keep the
conversation light and simple. Rely on small talk until the two
of you get to know one another better, as this is a time when
you're both trying to establish rapport and similarities rather
than setting each other up for an opinionated argument.
* Small talk encompasses such topics as your blog or website, the
purchase of a new car, house renovations, your kids' artwork
prize, vacation plans, your newly planted garden, a good book
you've just read, etc.
* Small talk is not politics, religion, nuclear disarmament or
fusion, or criticizing anybody, especially not the host or the
event you're both attending.
* And although talking about the weather is a cliche, if there's
something unusual about the weather, you've got a great topic of
conversation.
And how did that make you feel?Use words of a sensory nature.
These are words such as "see", "imagine", "feel", "tell",
"sense", etc., in order to encourage the other person to keep
painting a descriptive picture as part of their conversation.
For example:
* Where do you see yourself in a year's time?
* Tell me about the time that the boss sold your car without
realizing.
* What's your sense of the current stock market fluctuations?
* How do you feel about the new plans for renovating downtown?
* What do you imagine he was thinking when he asked for a pay rise
higher than the boss's salary?
Synchronize. Once your partner-in-conversation
has started talking, follow his or her cue to
keep the conversation going smoothly. Use
active listening to reflect what they're saying
and to summarize their possible feelings.
* Say the other person's name now and then. Not only does it help
you to remember them but it's a warming sign of respect and mutual
like.
* Give encouraging feedback. You don't even have to say things a lot
of the time - nod, say ah-ha or wow or oh or hmm, sigh, grunt
convivially, and short encouraging statements such as "Is that
so?" and "Goodness!", and "What did you do/say then?" and "That's
amazing!", etc.
* Keep your body language open and receptive. Nod in agreement, make
occasional genuine eye contact without staring, and lean in toward
the other person. Place your hand on your heart now and then, and
even touch them on the upper arm if you're a touchy, feely person.
* Keep good thoughts going through your head. Stay interested in the
other person and focused on them. Keep your curiosity piqued
rather than walking down the path of dark self-consciousness and
withdrawing back into yourself. Note each time a similarity or
common goal pops up in the conversation to remind yourself of the
worth of continuing to connect with this person.
* Smile a lot, and laugh when any quip is made by the other person.
Notice signs of not wanting to talk, such as grimacing, screwing
up face, etc.Respond thoughtfully to someone who remains awkward
or uncomfortable in your presence. If your conversation partner
appears withdrawn and uninterested in sharing information with
you, don't persist too much. Try a little more before making a
decision to move on.
* Keep your questions non-invasive; be sure you're not asking them
questions they'd rather not discuss. For example, some people
might be very uncomfortable discussing issues that they feel touch
on them personally, such as weight, lack of having a degree or
qualifications, lack of having a steady date, etc. Try to be as
thoughtful as possible even though you don't really know them yet.
* Don't ask too many questions if your conversation partner
continues to appear unresponsive.
I seem to remember you telling me you'd done that before. How
did you manage?Maintain the equilibrium. As the person who
started the conversation, the responsibility initially rests
with you to maintain the momentum. But what about when the other
person starts practicing active listening and open questions
back on you? You have several options:
* Relish it as their cue to let you start talking about yourself.
Just don't overdo it and remember to keep engaging them back with
open questions and active listening at the end of your own
recounting.
* Deflect it if you'd rather not be the center of conversation
attention. Say something like: "Well, I like Harry Potter books,
and I especially loved the last one. But you don't want to hear
about me all night! What were your favorite moments in the Harry
Potter series?"
* Answer questions with a question. For example, "How did you manage
to get away so early?" could be responded to with a: "Well, how
did you?". Often the other person will be so intent on filling you
in on their side of the story that they'll forget they asked you
the question first!
* Practice oftenPractice getting conversations started. You may
feel a little clumsy at first, but with practice it can become
easy to start good conversations. Every time you're in a situation
where you're called upon to converse with others, see it as part
of your ongoing practice, and note how you're improving each time
that you try it.
!! Video !!
!! Tips !!
* Speak with clarity and purpose. If you're mumbling, it makes
conversing a lot harder.
* Reflect before speaking if it's your turn to talk and allow
silence to also have its rightful place in your conversation.
Don't be afraid of pauses – use them to change topics,
re-energize the conversation, or to take a short breather even.
* Relax. Chances are that whatever small-talk you're making isn't
going to stick out in anyone's mind a few months from now. Just
say whatever comes into your head, so long as it's not offensive
or really weird (unless, of course, the person you're attempting
to converse with is into weird stuff).
* If you think of something in your head while you're talking, it's
probably related.
* It will help if you watch some TV, listen to radio shows, and/or
read a lot – newspapers, magazines, and/or books. Doing this
will ensure that you have some idea of what's going on in the
world.
* Remember and plan to share anything you like, think is funny, or
find intriguing. This is a way of building up your own inner
library of things that might be helpful to another person during a
conversation someday. It can be amazing how you thread these
interesting things when you least expect it, and make conversation
an adventure instead of a dreadful task. If you take it to the
next step and say things that you want the person to think of as
adding value, and keep to yourself things that the person might
not, you're actually honing your own personality to be appealing
to the other person, and what is a greater act of kindness than
that?
* If you're shy, it is helpful to have thought about a topic or two
in advance that you feel comfortable talking about.
* A great entry into starting a conversation, especially for a guy
approaching a girl, is to mention you can only talk briefly as
you're meeting up with other friends. This relieves the girl of
any fear of being uncomfortably stuck with someone she does not
know, and gives you both an easy out if things don't progress
well. If the conversation does progress well, you can always delay
leaving your new friend for as long as you like. Remember not to
overdo it, because she might think that you don't want to talk to
her, but prefer to be with your friends.
* Follow the lead that your listener is expressing. If he or she
appears interested, then continue. If he or she is looking at a
clock or watch, or worse, looking for an escape strategy, then
you've been going on for too long.
* Interesting and funny quotes or facts can lighten things up, and
make way for things to talk about. You could also use a set of
conversation starter question cards for inspiration.
* If talking over the phone, keep the person involved in the
conversation at all costs. If you can't come up with a good topic,
try the "questions" game. Just keep asking them questions; random
questions work just fine as long as they are appropriate. This
technique can save a phone conversation. The questions should be
open ended questions that do not require a yes or no answer. For
example "How do you know the hosts?" This way you can ask
questions about what they just said or follow up with how you know
the hosts (for example) instead of acting as if the conversation
is an interrogation.
* Half of an effective conversation is the way you non-verbally
communicate, and not necessarily what you say. Practice better
non-verbal skills that are friendly and confident.
* Take a mental note of some amusing things that you saw or heard
througout the day. For example, something funny someone said, a
fun activity you did with your friends, or anything interesting.
This can give way to future conversation.
* Watch some stand-up comedians or comedy shows to get an idea of
how to start a conversation humorously. Usually, the leads you
find will be funny, and you will not need much in common to talk
about them.
* Remember, whoever you are talking to, you always have something in
common. We all experience the weather, like good food, and enjoy a
good laugh. When in doubt, just talk to them about what they are
there for. For example, if you meet them at a bus stop, ask them
where they are going. If they are from out of town, ask them about
their life at home.
!! Warnings !!
* Don't be overly invasive with your questions.
* Watch out if you use tons of fillers like "umm" or "soo". It might
make the person you're talking to feel awkward or obligated to say
something. Instead talk slowly and pause. This will create a
little tension and make your newly found friend more invested in
your conversation.
* Don't ever comment negatively on the person or someone else's
looks; you never know if they have a personal attachment to it or
if they are friends with the person you are criticizing.
* Never swear, insult, disrespect, use racial, religious, sexual
orientation, and gender slurs in front of others (unless you know
who they are and if they have the same views on things as you).
* Never act arrogantly and pretend to be a Know-It-All when dealing
with people.
* Never ever interrupt a conversation between one or more people.
Wait for the conversation to stop and then say something. Common
courtesy goes a long way.
* Make use of "please", "may I", "thank you", "could you" when
someone is nice to you and when you want something. Being polite
shows maturity and intelligence.
* Don't always talk about your financial status in the presence of
your new friend, especially when a guy has met with a girl.
!! Related WikiHows !!
* How to Socialize, Be Funny and Make Friends
* How to Have a Great Conversation
* How to Join a Conversation
* How to Come up With Good Conversation Topics
* How to How to Start a Interesting Conversation
!! Article Tools !!
* Read on wikiHow
*
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