Being kind is a way of living that keeps giving
long after the kind thoughts, words, and actions
have taken place. Kindness is a force without
force, and it goes well beyond manners to the
very heart of how respect and treat one another.
Being kind is a vital way of making our own lives, and the lives of
others, meaningful. Being kind allows us to communicate better with
others, to be more self-compassionate, and to be a positive force in
other people's lives. Kindness is has its true source deep within you,
and while some people are innately kind, it's something that everyone
can cultivate by choice. In this article, you'll find a few initial
suggestions to help you further develop kindness in your life.
!! Steps !!
_ Understand what kindness is and is not. At its
most basic, kindness is about caring genuinely for others around you,
wanting the best for them, and recognizing in them the same wants,
needs, aspirations, and even fears that you have too. Kindness is
warm, resilient, patient, trusting, loyal, and grateful.[1] Piero
Ferrucci sees kindness as being about "making less effort" because it
frees us from getting knotted up in negative attitudes and feelings
such as resentment, jealousy, suspicion, and manipulation.[2]
Ultimately, kindness is deep caring for all beings.
* Beware of deluded kindness. Kindness is not about "self-interested
politeness, calculated generosity, superficial etiquette".[3]
Simply being nice to other people because you believe that this
will manipulate them into giving you what you want in life, or as
a means of controlling them, is not kindness. Nor is kindness
about pretending to care for someone all the while repressing
anger or contempt; hiding our rage or frustration behind false
pleasantries is not kindness. And lastly, being a people pleaser
is not kindness; that's simply behavior designed to give in and
not rock the boat because you're afraid of what might happen if
you're not compliant.
Be kind to yourself. Many people make the error
of trying to be kind to others while not
focusing on being kind to themselves. Some of
this can stem from not liking aspects of
yourself, but more often than not, it's sourced
in the inability to know yourself better. And
unfortunately, when you don't feel rock solid
within yourself, your kindness to others risks
falling into the deluded types of kindness
described in the previous step. Or, it can lead
to burn-out and disillusionment because you've
put everyone else first. Self-knowledge allows
you to see what causes you pain and conflict,
and enables you to embrace your contradictions
and inconsistencies. Self-knowledge allows the
space to work on things about yourself that
you're not happy with. In turn, self-knowledge
helps to prevent you from projecting your
negative aspects onto other people, thereby
empowering you to treat other people with love
and kindness.[4]
* Take time to become more self aware and use this learning to be
kinder to both yourself (remembering that we all_ have weaknesses)
and to others. In this way, your inner angst is being dealt with
rather than fueling your need to project the hurt and pain.
* Avoid viewing time taken to become more aware of your own needs
and limits as an act of selfishness; far from it, it is a vital
pre-condition to being able to reach out to other people with
great strength and awareness.
* Ask yourself what you think it means to be kinder to yourself. For
many people, being kinder to themselves includes monitoring the
negative chatter that involves putting yourself down and stopping
your negative thinking.
* If you have a tendency toward perfectionism, competitiveness, or a
driven sense of urgency, self-kindness can often be a victim of
your ambition and fast pace, as well as your fear of being seen to
be lazy or selfish.[5] Remember to slow down and to forgive
yourself when things don't work out as wished. Learn from your
mistakes rather than beating yourself up over them, or comparing
yourself to others.[6] It is through self-compassionate responses
that you can start to see other people's needs in a compassionate
light.
* Read How to believe in yourself, How to stand up for yourself and
How to relax for some tips to help you increase your sense of
self, to boost your trust and openness toward yourself and others,
and to create space for yourself.
_ Be present. The greatest gift of kindness to
another person is to be in the moment in their presence, to be
listening with care, and to be genuinely attentive to them.
* Be a good listener. Often said, yet the act if listening is easier
said than done in our fast-paced world, where rushing and being
busy are seen as virtues; where cutting someone off because you're
too busy, or you need to get somewhere in a hurry, is the norm.
Making being busy into a habit is no excuse for unkindness,
however. When talking to someone, learn to listen with your whole
being and sincerely pay attention to them until they're done
revealing their thoughts and story.
* Schedule your day differently, so that you're not known as the
person who always rushes off. Being present means being available;
you can only do this if you're not rushing or squeezing in people
and activities.
* Ease off the technical means of communicating with others.
Impersonal and hurried technical communications like text and
email have their place in life but not as your only means of
communicating. Take time to connect with people face-to-face, or
via an uninterrupted phone call. Send a letter instead of an email
and surprise someone with the kindness of your having taken time
out of your day to put pen to paper.
Be happy, joyful, and grateful. These emotions
rest at the heart of kindness, allowing you to
see the good in others and the world, enabling
you to press through the challenges, despair,
and cruelty you witness and experience,
continuously restoring your sense of faith in
humanity. Maintaining an optimistic attitude
ensures that acts of kindness are committed
with genuine joy and cheerfulness rather than
with reluctance or out of a sense of duty or
service. And keeping your sense of humor
ensures that you don't take yourself too
seriously and take life's contradictory and
contrary moments with good faith.
* Read How to be happy, How to be funny, and How to be thankful for
more information.
Reflect on the kindness of other people. Think
about the truly kind people in your life and
how they make you feel. Do you carry their warm
glow around in your heart every time you think
of them? It is likely that you do because
kindness lingers, warming you even when the
hardest challenges face you. When other people
find a way to love you for who you are, it's
impossible to forget such trust and
confirmation of worthiness, and their kindness
lives on forever.
* Remember how other people's kindness "makes your day". What is it
about their kindness that makes you feel special and cherished?
Are there things that they do that you can replicate from your own
heart?
Cultivate kindness for the good of your own
health. Improved psychological health and
happiness comes from thinking more positively,
and kindness is a positive mental state. While
kindness is about giving and being open to
others, giving kindness returns a sense of
well-being and connectedness to us that
improves our own mental state and health.
* Although simple, the very ability to be kind is in itself a
powerful and consistent reward, a self-esteem booster.[7]
Leo Babauta says that kindness is a habit and is one that everyone
can cultivate. He suggests focusing on kindness every day for a
month. At the end of this directed focus, you'll be aware of profound
changes in your life, you'll feel better about yourself as a person,
and you'll find that people react to you differently, including
treating you better. As he says, in the long run, being kind is karma
in practice.[8] Suggestions to help cultivate your kindness include:
* Do one kind thing for someone every day. Make a conscious decision
at the beginning of the day what that kind act will be and make
time to do it during the day.
* Be kind, friendly, and compassionate when you interact with
someone, and even more so where that person normally makes you
angry, stressed, or bothered. Use kindness as your strength.
* Build up your small acts of kindness into larger acts of
compassion. Volunteering for those in need and taking the
initiative to relieve suffering are bigger acts of compassion.[9]
Practice the kindness effect. Stephanie Dowrick
recommends that we practice what she calls the
"kindness effect". She says that this requires
us to allow ourselves the freedom to be kind
for the sake of other people and for ourselves.
In reaching to others, she confirms that it's
impossible to be kind to others without this
kindness also reflecting back on ourselves,
increasing our connection with the world, and
decreasing our personal problems.[10]
* Practice kindness and generosity toward others. Being out of
practice, being shy, or not knowing how to reach out to others can
only be overcome in the doing, by continually trying until it
becomes a natural impulse to be kind and giving to others.
* Ask for nothing in return. The greatest kindness expects nothing,
comes with no strings attached, and places no conditions on
anything done or said.
* Meditate to help spread kindness. Read Practice Loving Kindness
Meditation (Metta) for more details.
* Extend your kindness to people you don't feel "deserve"
it...Expand your circle of kindness. It can be very easy to be
kind when we're unconsciously doing what Stephanie Dowrick terms
"patronizing kindness".[11] This refers to kindness given to those
people we feel are truly in need (the sick, the poor, the
vulnerable, and those who align with our own ideals). The trouble
with curtailing it to "convenient" cases is that we fail to
recognize that we need to be kind to everyone, no matter who they
are, their level or wealth or fortune, their values and beliefs,
their behavior and attitudes, etc. By choosing to be kind only to
those we feel are deserving of kindness, we are unleashing our own
biases and judgment, and only practicing conditional kindness.
Real kindness encompasses all beings and while the challenges
you'll face when trying to put this broader notion of kindness
into practice will sometimes be trying, you'll never stop learning
about the depths of your ability to be truly kind.
"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a
hard battle". Attributed to Plato, this saying
is a recognition that everyone is undergoing
some challenge or other in their lives and that
sometimes, it's all too easy for us to lose
sight of that when embroiled in our own
problems or anger against them. Before
committing an action that might impact another
person negatively, ask yourself a simple
question: "Is this kind?". If you cannot answer
this in the affirmative, this is a reminder to
change your action and approach immediately.
* Even where you're feeling at your very worst, remember that other
people are also feeling uncertainty, pain, hardship, sadness,
disappointment, and loss. In no way does this belittle your own
feelings but it does allow you to realize that people often react
from their hurt and pain rather than from their whole self, and
kindness is the key to seeing past the raging emotions and
connecting with the real person inside.
* Consider the adage "be cruel to be kind". Think about why this
saying is so popular. Do you think it is an appropriate way to
view people's situations? When you believe that someone truly
needs to learn a lesson, often one involving standing on their own
two feet, one of the greatest kindnesses that you can do for them
is to withhold your judgment and to go the extra mile to do things
for them that will enable them to make the changes or leaps of
faith that they need to do, without actually trying to make that
change for them. We're all well aware that we cannot change
another human being. But kindness allows us to enable things to
change around them so that they can make the necessary changes for
themselves. Which means that we don't need to view our act as
"cruel"; rather, it becomes an act of "enabling".
* If you're neglecting being kind to someone else just because you
think they can cope without your support or understanding, then
you're practicing selective kindness.
"Carry out a random act of kindness, with no
expectation of reward, safe in the knowledge
that one day someone might do the same for
you." These are the words once said by
Princess Diana. The practice of random acts of
kindness is alive and well as a conscious
effort to spread more kindness; there are even
groups that have established themselves to
perform this essential civic duty![12]
* For details on practicing random acts of kindness, read How to
practice random acts of kindness.
Be polite. Although being polite is not an
indication of kindness in itself, genuine
politeness demonstrates your respect for those
you're interacting with. Being polite is the
kind way of getting people's attention and
putting your point across. Some simple ways to
do this include:
* Find ways to rephrase your requests or responses to others. For
example, say "May I?" instead of "Can I?"; say "I'm surprised"
instead of "That's not fair"; say "Let me explain that another
way" instead of saying "That's not what I said". Rephrasing your
language speaks volumes.
* Make compliments and mean them.
* Read How to practice courtesy and kindness for more ideas.
Show kindness through loving animals and the
living world. Loving animals and caring for
pets is kindness in action. Nothing compels you
to care about beings of another species,
especially in a day and age where the tools of
human domination are so powerful. And yet, the
very act of loving an animal and respecting the
animal for its own value is an expression of
deep kindness. As well, being kind to the world
that sustains and nurtures us is sensible as
well as kind, ensuring that we don't poison the
very elements that assure us a healthy life.
* Adopt or foster a pet. Your kindness will be rewarded by letting
another being into your life who will bring you joy and love.
* Offer to pet-sit for a friend who is going away. Give your friend
the reassurance that someone loving and caring will be tending to
her pet while she's away.
* Respect the species you're caring for. Humans don't "own" animals;
rather, we stand in a relationship of being responsible for their
well-being and care.
* Take time to restore parts of your local environment with the
local community. Go for walks in nature with family, friends,
alone, and commune with the world that you're a part of. Share
your love for nature with others, to help reawaken their sense of
connection with nature.
Transform your life. Changing how you live and
how you view the world might seem daunting. But
take a note of Aldous Huxley's prescription for
transforming your life: "People often ask me
what is the most effective technique for
transforming their life. It is a little
embarrassing that after years and years of
research and experimentation, I have to say
that the best answer is–just be a little
kinder."_[13] Take Huxley's many years of
research to heart and allow kindness to
transform your life, to transcend all feelings
and actions of aggression, hate, despising,
anger, fear, and self-deprecation, and to
restore strength worn away by despair.
* Through being kind, you take a stand by affirming that caring for
others, for our environment, for yourself is the right way to live
life.[14] It isn't about immediate effectiveness; kindness is a
lifestyle choice, a constant hum and rhythm accompanying every
single thing that you think and do.
* Through being kind, you let go of the burden of worrying that
others have more than you, are less or more deserving than you, or
are in a position of superiority or inferiority to you. Instead,
kindness assumes everyone is worthy, you included.
* Through being kind, you recognize that all beings are one. That
what you do to harm another, harms yourself. And that what you do
to help and boost another, helps and boosts yourself. Kindness
gives dignity to all.
!! Video !!
!! Tips !!
* Don't think only of the short term; the kind acts you perform
today may teach someone to do kind acts for others, and they'll
learn from your example as the recipient of your kindness.
Moreover, kindness tends to reverberate well beyond its initial
point of contact; many people are surprised to find out many years
later how one act of kindness touched a person to the point of
inspiring them to do something amazing, or to believe in
themselves more. Keep in mind that kindness lives on.
* Watch the French film _Amélie_ for kindness inspiration.
* You might not like everyone and that's normal; even the nicest
people on earth get annoyed! Just continue being polite
nonetheless.
* When someone drops something, pick it up for them. Or you can even
offer to pick it up together, no matter the size!
* If someone you do not know smiles at you, don't hesitate to smile
back; it's a kind gesture.
* Kindness is free, so share it with everyone, every day. Offer to
pet-sit when you know a friend is going on vacation. If you know a
neighbor is sick, ask them if they need groceries when you go
grocery shopping. Stop and talk to someone who is lonely, share a
cup of coffee and pay their bill too.
* Help, even if you aren't asked; see if anyone needs help and help
them without prompting. It can be a simple thing, to help someone
with something they seem to have difficulties with, even if they
insist they're fine. Whenever you can, try to help someone else.
It could be at their work, with their homework or about their
relationships and more. If someone asks you something, be
open-minded and don't immediately dismiss them, try to be as
helpful as you can. Even if you don't do what they asked, you can
at least suggest another to possibly aid them.
!! Warnings !!
* Don't feel the need to gloat about your good-deeds; be humble.
Doing something nice solely for the good graces of those around
you isn't really kindness. Aiding someone unaware of your help can
feel just as good.
* If you're truly angry and upset with someone, keep in mind that
kindness creates greater indebtedness to another being than an
unavenged wrongdoing. People can make all sorts of justifications
for committing a wrongdoing but being forgiven through kindness is
not something you can run away from.
!! Related WikiHows !!
* How to Be Good
* How to Be Helpful
* How to Be Positive
* How to Be Optimistic
* How to Practice Courtesy and Kindness
!! Sources And Citations !!
!! Article Tools !!
* Read on wikiHow
*
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