The fairytale suggests that "yes, oh, yes!" is
the only answer to ever give to a proposal of
marriage. Yet, there are many good reasons for
rejecting a proposal, ranging from your
uncertainty, to not knowing one another enough,
to wondering if the person asking really means
it. So, the next time someone proposes and it
just doesn't feel right, avoid saying yes to
please them, only to break it off later and get
it right from the outset.
!! Steps !!
_ Confirmed bachelorThink about why you don't want to get married.
If you're simply nervous about making such a big commitment (which
is not uncommon) try reading the advice in How to overcome the
fear of marriage. If you're concerned that you and your mate are
not compatible in some way, it's important to address your worries
as soon as possible (and long before your partner gets on bended
knee).
* When dating, does this person feel like "the one", or just someone
you're having fun with for now? And does this person seem to be
taking the relationship more seriously than you (warning bells)?
* Your own attitude about marriage. Is it something you want now or
later or perhaps even never? Would you rather cohabit, live apart
but in love, or have love by distance? If you have strong feelings
about not getting married, it might be good to make this reality
very clear early into the relationship.
* Is this a time in life where marriage would suit you or derail the
path that you've set in mind for yourself?
* Are there things that would cause you to feel obliged to get
married, no matter how you felt generally? For example, pregnancy,
parental health, family ties, expectations, etc.?
* Have you taken the time to find out the things you need to know
about someone you could potentially spend your life with? You need
to know how they feel about running a household, politics,
religion, having kids, caring for elderly parents, spending
habits, saving habits, passions and hobbies, career goals,
approaches to disagreements, sharing work commitments, etc.
How do you think this would look on me some day?Don't play along
with the hints. Most people will test the waters before they
propose. If your significant other raises the issue of marriage,
even casually, voice any concern or hesitation then. Let's say
you're talking about how much houses cost in the area, and your
partner mentions that a particular house might be perfect for a
newly married couple. Instead of just nodding and smiling, hint
back: "It'd make a great house for an unmarried couple too,
don't ya think?".
* If the hints start coming thick and strong, it's probably time for
a discussion about where they're headed. Tell them that you're
spotting a tendency to raise the subject of marriage a lot lately
and that you'd like to clear the air before things go any further,
to explain your own personal feelings about marriage and a future
together.
Reflect a little on what you might say if the occasion
rises...Consider now the sorts of things you might reply to an
unwanted proposal. It's not very effective to try and work it
out on the spot and there's no harm in assuming you might well
be in this position some day. Indeed, many people have a good
inkling when someone is getting ready to propose and that's a
really good time to be focusing on sorting out your replies!
Here are the sorts of things that might be appropriate to say in
response to an unwanted proposal (in each case, preface with
telling the person why they're wonderful and why you like or
love them before adding your rejection of the proposal):
* "Thanks, that's a really amazing request to ask me. I need time to
think about it though; it's not something I'd feel right saying
yes to straight away. It's a bit of a surprise for me - would you
mind if I take some time to think it over?"
* "Thanks. That's the kindest thing that's ever happened to me. I do
need time to think about it though. I haven't reached the same
place as you in terms of how I see commitment and I will need time
to think it over."
* "Thanks, I really love you for being so warm, generous, and caring
to want me in your life's plans, but I don't feel it's the right
time for me yet."
* "Thanks. You mean the world to me but right now I'm not ready to
make a deeper commitment; I feel I'm still getting to know us
better."
* "Thanks - that's a lovely thing to ask me. Trouble is, I planned
to not get married, ever. Perhaps we can consider moving in
together instead?"
* "Thanks, that's incredibly wonderful of you but I have so many
questions that I've yet to ask you that I'm not sure of our future
compatibility yet. Maybe this is a really good time for us to sit
down and talk about the basics of spending a life together, from
finances to kids. Until I know all of these things about you, I'm
not ready to jump in just yet."
* I'll marry you if your salary increases...Avoid making
conditional agreements. Love isn't conditional, so telling your
partner that you'll say "yes, if..." is not about love but about
placing conditions on your future love together. Instead, ask for
more time to work out what it is that makes you want to reply
conditionally; most likely that's telling enough for you to
respond negatively.
If you are proposed to in private, try not to
smile. If your mate has gone as far as to pop
the question, they are assuming you will say
yes, and your smiling will only confirm their
hopefulness, which will make the shock of your
rejection greater. Look in your partner's eyes
tenderly, put your hand over theirs, and
explain why you don't want to get married. If
you are in public when proposed to, however, it
might be better to give your partner a hug
(still not smiling), take his or her hand, and
walk to where you can privately say no.
* The hug is a way to acknowledge that you're touched by your
partner's gesture, but it's not necessarily a yes. Hopefully, it
is enough to make anyone who's watching lose interest and go back
to doing whatever they were doing, which will help ease any
embarrassment for your mate.
* Avoid cracking jokes or being witty. This is a solemn, fragile
moment of deep vulnerability and jokes or witty remarks can sting.
If you must use humor, be sure to focus it on yourself only.
Respond to their unhappiness and confusion.
It's likely that the person proposing has put
in a lot of effort to asking, including
purchasing a ring in some cases and thinking
through the depths of why they want to spend
the rest of their life with you. Letting down
their unhappiness gently isn't going to be easy
but you can help. These are the sorts of things
that should help:
* Give them space if they request it. Don't hassle them but let them
know you'll be calling in or contacting them shortly (try to make
it the same day or next morning).
* Suggest the two of you do something you both love doing. It will
serve as a distraction and it will help the other person realize
that you still care, it's just that you really did mean it when
you said you needed time to think about it.
* Explain at length how your relationship with this person still
matters a great deal and that your lack of readiness is just
something that might change with time. Focus on how great they
are, and how uncertain you about your own_ feelings as to where
_you_ are headed in life. Don't leave them feeling it's because
they're not good enough.
* Consider the way forward for both of you.
Things can get really awkward from this point, or they can pick up
as usual with good, caring approaches to continuing to nurture
your love and relationship. If the proposer is able to accept that
you genuinely do need more time and that the possibility of
marriage some day still exists, or they're happy with the
alternatives you've counter-proposed, then the relationship will
likely remain strong and forge on. On the other hand, if this
rejection opens a rift in your relationship and causes suspicion,
anger, resentment, and lack of ease with one another's company, it
may be time to reassess the purpose of staying together. It can be
hard when someone really believes that they need to marry to be
happy and you are looming as a stubborn obstacle in their way...
Sum up your next steps by how well the proposer has coped, how
well you have coped, and the comfortableness of the relationship
post-proposal. However, it's recommended that you don't do
anything drastic unless it's clear that this was a natural ending;
it can take a few weeks before both of you have had a chance to
sort through the post-proposal emotions.
!! Video !!
!! Tips !!
* Accept that the emotions are running high. It takes guts to ask.
That is partly why you are afraid to reject the proposal, for fear
of upsetting the other person deeply. It also requires a lot of
guts to avoid the easy path of accepting and later reneging. In
accepting that this is a very emotional situation, you are giving
yourself the right to feel confusion, awkwardness, and
uncertainty.
* Be careful if you're a woman and you spot the ring. The ring is no
reason to say yes! It's the person proposing you're saying yes to,
not the ring.
!! Warnings !!
* Be fair and realistic. If this isn't the person you want to spend
your life with, don't keep them hanging on to false hopes or vague
comments that could be interpreted in many ways. It is kinder to
make it clear that their marriage proposal has been the impetus
for you to reassess the relationship altogether and realize that
you don't envisage the two of you being together in the future.
This will hurt but it is far better to be honest now than to keep
them hanging on wondering. Tell him or her that "it doesn't feel
right" and be clear with your message.
* Avoid saying yes only to let things drag on unspoken and not
attended to. This is either a lazy or passive-aggressive response
in which your lack of enthusiasm and action for wedding
preparations results in the engagement proceeding no further. This
will be frustrating, disheartening, and ultimately devastating for
your partner who believes that you truly meant it when you agreed
to marry them. This problem often arises with live-in couples, who
propose and the partner proposed to is half-hearted but wants to
please without raising problems; often the reticent partner
figures you're already living together, so why bother with
additional expense and effort to prove a point you've already
made!
!! Related WikiHows !!
* How to Say No Politely To a Man Who Asks You Out
* How to Answer People When They Ask You When You're Getting Married
* How to Stop Being a People Pleaser
* How to Know the Right Age to Get Married
* How to Return an Engagement Ring
!! Article Tools !!
* Read on wikiHow
*
0 comments:
Post a Comment