When you have been married for a long time, you may start to wonder
what happened to the honeymoon. However, even if you feel that the
flame has died down, there is always a way to make your marriage
work smoothly again.
The main thing is for you to remember how to listen to what your
spouse has to say, and here are a few steps to relearn to listen
within your relationship.
!! Steps !!
Try to devote dedicated time to your relationship to make space for
communicating together. Even when you have too much work or you're
feeling too tired, it is very important for you to dedicate some
time to do things with your spouse [1] that give both of you the
opportunity to share. Such opportunities can be activities such as
taking a walk or having dinner at a nice restaurant together. It
doesn't matter what it is as long as you have the chance to talk and
have a nice time together.
* Read How to surprise someone with a romantic dinner [2] for one
excellent idea.
If you find the time you spend together feels a little bit boring
and not conducive to conversation, try to spice things up. Do
something that your spouse would find unexpected, like buying some
delicious take-out and preparing a movies-night [3] and chill-out
together after work. This way your spouse will feel that you're
making an effort to make things better between you two and he or she
will appreciate it and may be willing to listen to you and talk to
you about her or his own stuff.
Remember that respect is the most important thing in a relationship
and that listening forms a large part of respect. Listen to what
your spouse has to say with respect and out of respect. If you don't
agree with something, let her or him know without being rude [4].
Aim to be polite above all, so that your spouse feels comfortable in
telling you about her or his issues, interests, and concerns.
* Practice active listening [5]. This is the key to a good ongoing
relationship and will ensure that both of you feel listened to.
* Instead of making demands, learn to make requests. Think about how
you like to be asked to do something or to be somewhere or to be
considered and be guided by that when forming your requests of
your spouse.
* Avoid turning a legitimate complaint into a blame-shifting
exercise. This means avoiding tacking on comments like "what is
wrong with you?", "why are you so thoughtless?", or "you don't
care anymore". Instead, couch your concerns in terms of how it
makes you feel, such as "We agreed that you would clean the
bathroom and I mop the kitchen floors. I am upset that you didn't
clean this week."
Start caring again about things your spouse does. It can be hard to
do this, especially if you feel that your spouse's work or
activities have come between the two of you but showing interest
will go a long way to helping both of you to reconnect [6]. Ask your
spouse how work was or how she or he feels about something in
particular that you know your spouse has opinions about. Try to
initiate a pleasant conversation where you can listen about
something your spouse enjoys telling you. Let your spouse know
you're willing to listen and actively respond to the things your
spouse tells you.
* Offer to go along to a hobby, activity, club, or something else
that your spouse is involved in and would like to show you. This
will be the ultimate form of listening again, as you act on what
your spouse has been telling you.
Don't ever make it all about yourself. If you're telling your spouse
something, remember to ask for her or his point of view. Even if you
don't see eye to eye on issues, exploring them together is an
important part of continuing to grow within your relationship.
* Stop and pay attention to what's going through your mind when
listening [7] to your spouse. Are you compiling a shopping list,
withdrawing into yourself, or truly listening?
* Discern between constructive criticism and harmful condescension.
A spouse sees your foibles as much as your strong points;
sometimes, your spouse may try to help you but you might perceive
it as criticism. When you are open to learning more about yourself
and growing, it will be easier to work out whether the advice is
helpful or merely undermining. If it's constructive advice, learn
to build upon is rather than distancing yourself from your spouse.
* If you find that you're in a relationship where condescension
drives either or both of your conversation styles, it may be a
good time to seek counseling. Condescension [8] can eat away at a
relationship until it's very hard to have a conversation without
it being about deriding the other person.
!! Video !!
!! Tips !!
* Try to be patient, this is a process. Nothing is easy about
relearning to listen in a relationship but it will be great once
you start listening to each other again.
* When listening, provide acknowledgment rather than suggestions;
suggestions and advice, although well intended, can get right in
the way of clarifying what the other person wishes to say or
express.
!! Warnings !!
* Try to put aside time to converse regularly; this is much easier
than having heavy, challenging, deep conversations after months of
tension aimed at making up for not dealing with concerns and
issues as they arise.
!! Related WikiHows !!
* How to Deal With Family Members That Dislike Your Spouse [9]
* How to Encourage Your Spouse to Interact with the Kids [10]
* How to Love Your Spouse Again [11]
* How to Surprise Your Spouse [12]
* How to Get Along with a Spouse [13]
!! Article Tools !!
* Read on wikiHow
*
Links:
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[1] http://www.wikihow.com/Help-Your-Spouse-With-Depression
[2] http://www.wikihow.com/Surprise-Someone-With-a-Romantic-Dinner
[3] http://www.wikihow.com/Enjoy-a-Movie-at-Home
[4] http://www.wikihow.com/Stop-Being-Rude-to-People-when-You%27re-Depressed
[5] http://www.wikihow.com/Be-a-Good-Listener
[6] http://www.wikihow.com/Reconnect-With-Professional-Contacts
[7] http://www.wikihow.com/Listen
[8] http://www.wikihow.com/Stop-Being-a-Condescending-Person
[9] http://www.wikihow.com/Deal-With-Family-Members-That-Dislike-Your-Spouse
[10] http://www.wikihow.com/Encourage-Your-Spouse-to-Interact-with-the-Kids
[11] http://www.wikihow.com/Love-Your-Spouse-Again
[12] http://www.wikihow.com/Surprise-Your-Spouse
[13] http://www.wikihow.com/Get-Along-with-a-Spouse
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