Trying to be in too many places at once?Are you busy being
everybody\'s somebody? Never dropping the requests and demands
from a friend, colleague or partner but all too willing to let
your own needs fall by the wayside? Do you feel that if you don\'t
do it, everything else will fall apart at the seams and a disaster
will occur? If this sounds like you, you may have a bad case of
indispensable"itis" and it\'s time to get real. Here is what to
do. [1]
!! Steps !!
_ Trying too hard?Learn that nobody is indispensable. A harsh fact
of life to learn but a real one. Every person is in a replaceable
situation when they base their value on what they do_ rather than
on who they _are_. Even a mother who does everything for her child
is replaceable if the child marries or finds someone else to "do
it all" (although certainly she's not replaceable as a loving
person who matters). Your worth needs to be based on valuing
yourself, not on creating value by doing too much for others.
* Learn your self worth [2]. A common habit for many people is to
define themselves by what they do in life (whether it be a paid or
unpaid job, or a role) rather than by valuing oneself as a whole.
As a result, when someone suggests that you're not needed to tally
the accounts this month or you're not needed to babysit the
children, it can be a big ego hit rather than viewing it as an
opportunity to be doing something else equally valuable and
useful.
* Self worth is not something you can glean from a book, although
reading about how other people have found their pathway of
self-fulfillment [3] in life can help to guide your own ideas. It
is important to spend time thinking about your purpose, values,
and talents now and then, to ensure you're leading a fulfilling
life.
* One of the most important ways to develop self worth is to respect
yourself. This means not putting yourself down and learning to
assert yourself when you feel that your boundaries have been
crossed or ignored.
* Indispensability can be a sign of wanting to be in control [4] or
to be viewed as "the" expert; it can also signal the extent of
your comfort zone. This kind of controlling or complacent approach
is likely to lead to closed-mindedness about new ways of doing
things. Given that things are always changing, this approach can
cause you to feel threatened when new people and ideas arrive, as
well as leaving you feeling insecure [5]. Keep in mind that
expertise is a shared experience and that learning continues to be
essential, even for the highly specialized expert. If you worry
about losing face when you admit that you don't know all or that
you might not be the right person for the task, it's time to ease
up and accept that you can't do it all.
Are you really the only one for the task?Question why you're
always being asked. When somebody asks you to do something many
times in a row, question why they chose you. If you get an
answer like "because you always do it", or "because you are the
only person I know who ever gets work finished around here", or
"because you are here", then you know you're well on the way to
being used, rather than being viewed as indispensable.
If you're worried that you're being taken for granted [6], look for
reasons like "because your creative vision won us the account last
time" before saying yes. And even when you do agree, always remember
that it is appropriate to ask for advice [7], help, and delegation
authority, and not just to assume you're "it" for everything.
What other challenges can you rise to when you feel left out?Think
about the times you've been unceremoniously left out or dropped from
activities or events, or overlooked for a job or role. This is an
exercise in helping you to realize that you're not so indispensable
after all. Even more importantly, it's about seeing the flipside to
your own sense of indispensability. Principally, be aware that other
people feel fine inserting themselves into "your" role or job where
they find it appropriate to do so. Seen from this perspective, it
might help you to realize that indispensability is often a convenient
concept for you to adopt when you wish to hold onto something all for
yourself but very inconvenient when someone else adopts it and
prevents you from taking on the opportunities they're hogging.
To escape this way of thinking, learn to take on new roles or tasks
[8] that have the potential to expand your own abilities and horizons,
without feeling as if you're spoiling another person's
indispensability. Provided you're relying on doing what you're best at
and approaching it in a team oriented way, you're not taking away
anything from another person, just as they don't feel they're taking
away anything from you when they seize the opportunities. Trying
to be everything to one person or workplace can be a risky
strategyRealize what you\'re up against. One of the modern day
paradoxes is how a work system that proves time and again how
dispensable we are when it comes to layoffs [9] and demoting also
drives us to try and be as indispensable as possible to the workplace.
Unfortunately, this attempt at seeming indispensability results in
placing all your eggs into the one basket of the company you work for,
making things very risky for you when the times get tough and the
company axes people. All those long hours, extra miles, and going
without at work can actually weaken your position if you didn't allow
time to be a well-rounded [10], balanced person with interests and
contacts outside of the firm, things that can act as a safety net when
your job does go wrong.
* Be very careful about making yourself "indispensable" to a
disinterested corporation; by all means be responsible, engaged,
and useful as an employee but do not rely on always being loved by
the job. Knowing that you are potentially dispensable allows you
to continuously cultivate the back-ups you need to ensure a
fulfilled, and less worry-ridden life.
* At work, make boundaries clear [11], such as limiting time
available for meetings, taking days off, telecommuting, taking
vacation periods, etc. If you're prone to giving up vacations or
attending one meeting too many because you feel indispensable, you
won't be the most refreshed, creative, or enthusiastic employee on
board.
* Stop fearing the idea of restarting your career [12]. A new career
gives you the opportunity to have "beginner's mind". While scary,
changing careers completely can shake up a stuck and fearful
mindset that has you tethered to your current workplace. With a
whole lot of new things to learn and do, you won't have the chance
to feel indispensable or complacent!
Learn to say no [13]. If you don't, you could
end up saying yes to more than you're able to
handle and you risk doing a mediocre job of
may things, rather than a very good job of a
few things. Be selective and learn polite but
firm ways of saying no, such as: "I can't
today, sorry"; "I'd love to but I'm busy for
the next month."; "Thanks for asking but
that's not in my area of expertise and I have
to get the kids back home by 5 each day
anyway."
* Check your stress [14] levels. If they're high, it's quite
possible that some element of feeling indispensable is involved.
You may be doing everything for everyone and not giving yourself
the time of day, something that is bound to increase stress and
tension in your life. Stress levels will reduce markedly when you
minimize your sense of indispensability and become selective about
what you will and won't do for other people.
* Slow down! Learn patience [15] and accept that focusing on a few
things and doing them well is better than spreading yourself too
thin to prove to everyone that you're there for them.
No worries! I\'d love for you to fix it!Learn to delegate [16].
This skill is often overlooked by those who feel indispensable
because there is a fear of someone else doing what you perceive
as your job, role, or task. Goodness, they might even be better
at it than you! When you feel this way, an easy question to ask
yourself is this: What is the worst that could happen? It could
be that they're better at doing something than you but is that
really a worry? If it's true, you're freed up to pursue
something you're really good at because in all likelihood,
you've delegated something you didn't have the time for or
interest in doing.
Delegation also works to put tasks back with the person who is best
able to deal with them; this is especially important where someone
raises issues about something that they have clearly spotted and seem
to know what to do about it. Use delegation to permit them to become
involved more deeply in finding the solutions to the issues rather
than having you on the back foot being defensive or overloaded.
* Are you valued or taken for granted?Learn to distinguish
between valuable and indispensable. A valuable person is one whose
skills and accomplishments are highly sought after, well rewarded,
and often praised; such a person is usually one who has the
ability to prioritize [17] requests and work at a pace that suits
them. An indispensable person is someone who is always there,
dependable, reliable at the drop of a hat but is not necessarily
the one who gets the trophy, or gets noticed for the right
reasons. Indispensability is often equated with being a doormat
[18]; the more you feel indispensable, the more you are vulnerable
to having everyone wipe their feet on you as they load the tasks
on to you without genuinely recognizing your true talents and
worth.
* Take time to pause and reassessPut balance back into your
life. Along with learning to say no and standing up for your
needs, act on those needs. Start pampering yourself and doing the
things you\'d rather have been doing while you\'ve been too busy
being indispensable. Start making it clear to others where your
real talents lie and respond with alacrity only where those
talents are being nurtured and fulfilled [19]. Sometimes, it
requires a complete break from whatever you've been doing so that
you can gain perspective and return as a refreshed person ready to
tackle things differently; it's worth it to lead the rest of your
life with realized self-worth.
!! Video !!
!! Tips !!
* Have a discussion with the person or group making you feel
indispensable. If the boss' expectations are unrealistic or the
volunteer organization is relying too much on your altruism, it
may be time to ask for changes. Tell the boss or volunteering
organization that you have needs as much as those you're offering
or volunteering to help.
* Tell your boss politely that your performance is not optimal when
you're still at the desk at 10pm at night when you've been in
since 8am. Get your work done by 5pm and leave promptly. If it
cannot be done on time, it's either too much work or you might
need to assess how you're using the time during the day. If it's
the sort of job where such hours are considered the norm, unless
it's really thrilling you, look for a new career.
* Tell the teacher that you're not the only one in the class who can
be relied on to clean out the fish aquarium. You be in the
position of being taken for granted because you let them and a
little talk can help to enlighten them on seeing that you're being
relied on too often. Few people like being placed in the position
of having this pointed out, and will remedy it quickly.
* If your family is the source of your feeling indispensable, this
can be the hardest bind of all because of the emotional
attachments involved. Seek outside help to clarify the situation
if needed but certainly do start to point out every family
member's personal responsibilities rather than shouldering it all.
Sometimes it's a case of talking about what everyone has simply
been assuming.
!! Warnings !!
* Note that few skills are indispensable, especially when you don't
click with the person in a position to fire, leave, or cease
communicating with you. Many people would prefer to work, live, or
play with someone they like and get along with even if that person
isn't optimal in skills or tasks over someone who is brilliant at
the role or job but is a total hard case to get along with. Keep
in mind that just because you're brilliant doesn't mean you're
bearable! Spend more time brushing up on the socializing skills if
you want greater sticking power.
!! Related WikiHows !!
* How to Develop Self Esteem [20]
* How to Be Patient [21]
* How to Be Yourself [22]
* How to Stand up for Yourself [23]
* How to Stop Being a People Pleaser [24]
!! Article Tools !!
* Read on wikiHow
*
Links:
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[1] http://www.wikihow.com/Image:Day-106...I%27ve-never-been-good-at-juggling.jpg
[2] http://www.wikihow.com/Build-Self-Worth
[3] http://www.wikihow.com/Get-a-Happy%2C-Healthy-and-Spiritual-Old-Age
[4] http://www.wikihow.com/Not-Be-Controlling
[5] http://www.wikihow.com/Be-Secure
[6] http://www.wikihow.com/Be-a-Sweet-Friend%2C-but-Not-Taken-for-Granted
[7] http://www.wikihow.com/Find-Love-Advice
[8] http://www.wikihow.com/Avoid-New-Broom-Syndrome-as-a-New-Leader
[9] http://www.wikihow.com/Image:365-day-thirteen--desk-job-sleep-dep.jpg
[10] http://www.wikihow.com/Become-a-Well-Rounded-Person
[11] http://www.wikihow.com/Establish-Boundaries
[12] http://www.wikihow.com/Start-Your-Own-Business
[13] http://www.wikihow.com/Turn-Down-a-Drink
[14] http://www.wikihow.com/Relieve-Stress
[15] http://www.wikihow.com/Gain-Patience-and-Empathy
[16] http://www.wikihow.com/Image:Handing-over-the-Xbox.jpg
[17] http://www.wikihow.com/Image:%E2%80%9CHi.-I%E2%80%99m-Mat.%E2%80%9D.jpg
[18] http://www.wikihow.com/Stop-Being-a-Doormat
[19] http://www.wikihow.com/Image:%E7%B4%AB%E7%90%BC-5.jpg
[20] http://www.wikihow.com/Develop-Self-Esteem
[21] http://www.wikihow.com/Be-Patient
[22] http://www.wikihow.com/Be-Yourself
[23] http://www.wikihow.com/Stand-up-for-Yourself
[24] http://www.wikihow.com/Stop-Being-a-People-Pleaser
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