A mother once asked her child to pick a balloon
in her favorite color. The child said "pink" and
reached for the pink balloon. The mother said,
"No, you like yellow, it's better". Then the
mother took the pink balloon from the child and
handed her the yellow balloon.
Do you ever feel the urge to step in and form your child's opinions,
tastes, and to complete tasks that they seem to be doing "just too
slowly"? If so, you're teaching your child a few unhelpful lessons,
including that the child must rely on you to make decisions, that
impatience is a virtue, and that the child's carers will always fix
things rather than having to take on personal responsibility.
Ultimately, impatience with a child risks lessening their independence
and understanding. Learning to let go despite the messes, frustration,
and mistakes that will inevitably arise is a vital skill when caring
for or being with children. Whether you're raising children, or
working or volunteering with them, a little patience goes a long way.
!! Steps !!
Take a little time to think about the purpose
and beauty of patience. Patience [1] gives us
time to reflect, to slow down and think about
the world and the things we're doing. It's a way
of enjoying what we're experiencing rather than
always rushing toward an end just to make room
for the next rush. Patience allows us to enjoy
the process of living. Patience also enables
others to accept us into their lives through our
faithful, continued presence and enduring
respect for them. When we accept the importance
of patience in our lives, it becomes easier to
be patient with others too. Through respecting
[2] the rhythm of ourselves and others, being
patient presents an opportunity to give of
ourselves rather than expecting others to
conform to our wants.
* See How to be patient [3] for some more general ideas on letting a
little more patience into your life.
Ask the child what he or she wants to have,
do, or be. Resist the impulse to have things
the way you'd like them to be. Even a very
young child can indicate their likes and
dislikes; allowing these to express [4]
themselves at appropriate occasions is
important. As part of asking for the child's
preferences, be sure to show that you've heard
the answer; aim to paraphrase [5] the child's
response so that it's clear you understand.
* Resist the temptation to change the child's mind about a future
occupation. If little Johnny says he wants to be a window washer
when he grows up, let it be. If you constantly interrupt [6] with
something like "Oh he's just saying that. We all know he'll be a
doctor when he grows up", he'll start to resent the implications
of being pushed toward a designated career.
* Balance the wants with realities. If you think that what the child
is asking for is unreasonable, unaffordable, or a sign of
"consumeritis", take time to talk it through rather than simply
saying no or choosing for them without discussion. You don't have
to reason with the child but it helps to give a brief explanation.
It helps even more if you show by example what you're asking the
child to follow.
* Show goodwill [7] and interest in children.
Where possible, try to please them. This isn't about being a
doormat for the child's commands. It's about respecting the wants
and requests of the child within the appropriateness of the
situation. Help the child to learn the difference between making a
request and making a demand and what the consequences are. It is
also important to help them understand the importance of delayed
gratification, teaching them that when you do say no, sometimes
this is about waiting, rather than never having or doing what
they've asked for. Helping them to understand this time
perspective is far kinder than simply saying no and not explaining
any further.
* Be grateful [8] for your children and for all
children. When the daily chores mount up and everyone is rushing
about, sometimes it's easy to take one another for granted. Taking
time now and then to express your gratitude [9] for your children
will help you to respect them for the unique, individual beings
they are, and helps them to see the importance of valuing others
openly.
Humble yourself [10]. Be willing to do things
the child's way when possible. While their
attempts might sometimes cause you frustration
[11] and worry, it is important to allow
children to show you their way of doing things.
If your child offers to help with making
dinner, don't think of the mess they'll make.
Accept that there will be a mess but realize
that they're learning how to do something that
will one day be of great importance as a skill
(and eventually, they'll be making some of the
household meals, relieving you of the burden
occasionally). In watching and learning from
your child or from other children, you will
learn their character better, and see both
their strengths and their weaknesses, giving
you an opportunity to help them nurture the
best talents and to learn to manage their
weaknesses.
* If you do not allow children to do things their way, this takes
away their autonomy and potentially stunts their ability to
discover things for themselves. Allow a child to try new things
often, so as to give them a sense of self-trust [12] and personal
responsibility.
* Naturally, keep safety and propriety in mind; it is entirely
appropriate to step in and change the course of a child's behavior
or activities where safety or appropriateness have been
compromised; this is simply part of being responsible guardians.
* Remember that children are human too.
Remember that children have feelings, likes, dislikes, favorite
foods, colors, etc. Honor these things when possible.
Let them try but don't turn it into an unbearable choreResist
the temptation to control children. Children are ready to trust
and soak up information from the people who care for them and
spend time with them. Trying to control children lacks respect
for their own self and is a way of trying to insert your way of
thinking and preferences onto them. Give them space to grow into
the individual that they are.
* Patience allows you to be the ideal teacher [13]. Instead of
seeking to control, patience allows the child to grow at their own
pace, rather than being pushed into doing things before being
ready. For example, Dino de Laurentiis did not speak until he was
5. Despite the worries of others, his mother took this in her
stride, believing he'd speak more than enough when he was ready.
And so he did![1] [14]
A little time out does wonders when tempers flarePick your
battles carefully. Most choices are not a life and death
situation. Give children a rope long enough for them to safely
learn on their own. Mistakes are a learning experience.
* If you feel that a situation is getting out of hand with a child,
take a step back and create space between you and the child. This
breathing space is important for both of you, after which you can
express your thoughts and establish boundaries [15] when you are
collected, rather than channeling your concerns through
frustration.
* Be kind to your children and they will learn
to treat you and others kindly by your example. Your example will
be helpful to your children throughout their life. They will also
have learned to make wise choices by the choices you allowed them
to make. Now they will be kind to their children and teach them to
make wise choices [16].
* Be kind to yourself. It can be very hard to
be patient sometimes in a world where teaching Mozart in the womb
and expectations of exemplary behavior from preschool are
considered the norm. No matter what the competitive approach
insists upon, patience gives you a means for remaining calm [17]
within yourself, to give you the perspective to recognize the
readiness of a child at their own developmental pace, independent
of external standards. Rushing can cause you to lose sight of your
guiding role, and of the precious essence of the child.
Love being with children. Sometimes our
greatest impatience arises when we allow our
own endeavors such as work, personal pursuits,
hobbies, sports, etc., to get in the way of
spending time with children. Whether we're
parenting, caring, teaching, working or
volunteering with children, nobody is immune
from impatience at times. If you feel any sense
of resentment [18] when being around children
for "holding up" the things you want to do, or
you find yourself "half present" instead of
giving your full attention, then being patient
can restore your joy of spending time with
children. Let go of the impatience and realize
that time spent with children is precious. It
is a time during which you can learn a great
deal about seeing the world through fresh eyes.
It can also be a time when you realize that you
can make a big difference in the life of a
child by teaching [19] or showing them
something new, and by helping them to love and
respect themselves all the more.
* Recognize that patience is a form of kindness. Giving time is
giving kindness a chance. By removing the pressure of the other
"more pressing" things you feel, you show your child that there is
nothing more important, nothing kinder, than spending time with
them.
* A child who is given time with an adult soaks up the message that
the busyness of adult life can wait, that childhood is a good
time, and that there is no need to grow up too quickly. The point
of life is being with one another, a gift that can only be
imparted to a child in the doing.
!! Video !!
!! Tips !!
* Sometimes very deep patience is needed where a child has been
deeply hurt. People who have adopted or fostered children who have
experienced hardship or horrors, such as living through a war, a
famine, or violence of any kind, often attest to the need for
waiting patiently while the child learns to trust again, to unfurl
from the cocoon of safety in which the child has wrapped
themselves up as they realize that people do care again and that
they are respected. This kind of patience takes a special kind of
reserve but it is absolutely vital if the child is to learn to
trust again.
* Another kind of patience that can be hard to find is when dealing
with an infinitely stubborn child. In this case, part of the trick
is to have a good sense of humor, not at the child but about the
situation. Find amusing, fun, and happy things to entice the child
out of their stubbornness and to becoming involved with whatever
it is that you're doing.
!! Warnings !!
* If impatience is running your life and threatening your
relationships, seek professional help. At the core of severe
impatience are psychological issues that can be successfully
worked through with help and support.
!! Related WikiHows !!
* How to Be Patient [20]
* How to Train Your Patience [21]
* How to Gain Patience and Empathy [22]
* How to Encourage Your Child to Love Learning [23]
* How to Ensure a Child Feels Loved [24]
!! Sources And Citations !!
!! Article Tools !!
* Read on wikiHow
*
Links:
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[1] http://www.wikihow.com/Gain-Patience-and-Empathy
[2] http://www.wikihow.com/Respect-Each-Other-at-Home
[3] http://www.wikihow.com/Be-Patient
[4] http://www.wikihow.com/Express-Oneself
[5] http://www.wikihow.com/Know-if-People-Aren%27t-Listening-to-You
[6] http://www.wikihow.com/Tell-if-You-Talk-Too-Much-and-What-to-Do-if-You-Do
[7] http://www.wikihow.com/Practice-Loving-Kindness-Meditation-%28Metta%29
[8] http://www.wikihow.com/Be-Grateful
[9] http://www.wikihow.com/Express-Gratitude
[10] http://www.wikihow.com/Be-Humble
[11] http://www.wikihow.com/Cope-With-Frustration
[12] http://www.wikihow.com/Develop-Common-Sense
[13] http://www.wikihow.com/Be-a-Good-Student-Teacher
[14] http://bemoreconfident.info/#_note-0
[15] http://www.wikihow.com/Establish-Boundaries
[16] http://www.wikihow.com/Make-Your-Heart-and-Mind-Work-Together
[17] http://www.wikihow.com/Be-Calm
[18] http://www.wikihow.com/Get-Over-Resentment
[19] http://www.wikihow.com/Category:Teaching-Children-Skills
[20] http://www.wikihow.com/Be-Patient
[21] http://www.wikihow.com/Train-Your-Patience
[22] http://www.wikihow.com/Gain-Patience-and-Empathy
[23] http://www.wikihow.com/Encourage-Your-Child-to-Love-Learning
[24] http://www.wikihow.com/Ensure-a-Child-Feels-Loved
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