"Friends are like stars. You don't always see them but you know they
are there." Once said by someone wise, this quote sums up how easy
it is to take a friendship for granted, and yet, just as stars fade
away, so do friendships from time to time. Whether it's because your
circumstances have changed, time has passed and eroded
commonalities, or something has been said or done that has spoiled
things between you, it's sad and often painful to experience a
fading or dying friendship.
If you believe that it's worth trying to save your friendship, then it
_is_ worth it. The only time it's not worth trying is when you've
stopped believing in the friendship. So, if you're still stirred by a
friendship that has given you priceless moments, unconditional love,
and treasured memories, at least give saving the friendship a chance.
While problems are inevitable, if both of you see the value in saving
the friendship, focusing on fixing things may just be effective, and
your friendship may even come through this trial better and stronger
than before.
!! Steps !!
* Act now. The moment you're aware that there's a chasm opening
wider than the Grand Canyon [1] between the two of you, do
something about it. Waiting will only bring about an inevitable
permanency of the loss of your friendship. Be prepared to be the
one who makes the initial steps; your friend may be laboring under
the belief that it's something you've done to harm the friendship,
so it's not worth waiting around for her to solve things.
Do some honest analysis of the situation. Sit down and think back
to where it all went wrong. Was it your fault? Was it something you
said or did or didn't say or do although you should have? This
involves thinking about your inaction as well, such as all those
times you failed to make a call to see how your friend was, or when
you missed appointments, or failed to show up at important events.
* If it was your fault, apologize [2]. Briefly explain your side of
the story and avoid making excuses or shifting the blame [3]. By
taking responsibility for your part in damaging the friendship,
you demonstrate to your friend that your desire to keep them as a
friend is more important than your pride or sense of
self-righteousness.
Talk, talk, talk. If you can't seem to find the reason for the
growing interpersonal distance between you and your friend, suggest
that the two of you simply talk. Tell your friend that you're sad
that things don't seem to be that great between the two of you
anymore and that you'd really like to work out whether it might be
possible to restore the friendship [4] you had in the past. Your
willingness to work through the issues will be appreciated,
especially if you make it clear that you're totally open to hearing
their side of the story. Try not to interrupt [5] your friend while
explaining their side of the story. Instead, listen attentively.
Make a decision as to the worth of disputing points about your
behavior or issues that have arisen in the friendship. If your
friend has the wrong end of the stick and has misunderstood things
that you've said or done (or not done), then by all means clarify
what you believe to be the case. However, do not be argumentative
or confrontational [6], as this will cause your friend to feel
defensive and it will simply speed up the end of the friendship. Be
patient [7], explain clearly how you see the situation and give
your interpretation of past events without judging or
defensiveness. For example:
* Your friend might accuse you of never being there during important
events in the opening of their new business over the past year.
They might say that it got to the point that every time he or she
asked you to help out, you seemed too busy or disinterested in
their new venture even though at first you had been very
supportive. You might reply that you accept it was wrong of you to
never be available to talk things through. You might also outline
what happened to prevent you from being the close friend of former
times. For example, perhaps you had to take care of a sick child
or spouse, all the while trying to hold down your job with its
unforgiving deadlines [8]. Provide factual explanations of why you
weren't as engaged with your friendship as you could have been
rather than offering excuses - the truth [9] is important. And
don't seek sympathy or pity but do clarify why you were not able
to be there for your friend.
Acknowledge your differences [10]. Your friend might be footloose
and fancy free while you're a dad to three kids. As life changes
around us, friendships change too. However, this doesn't mean that
you lack that vital connection that sparked the friendship in the
first place and shifts in your working, personal, and lifestyle
doesn't have to undermine your friendship. Talking openly about
the changes is important, as well as accepting that the two of you
have different trajectories but still have space, love, and
respect [11] for one another in your lives.
* If your friend has distanced from you because of changes in your
lives, take the opportunity to reassure each other that while life
has changed, the importance of your friendship has not. And
acknowledge that if you have changed, you certainly don't expect
your friend to change.
* Resurrect some things that the two of you can still enjoy doing
together. For example, set aside a regular night, afternoon, or
day when the two of you meet up to spend time together doing the
things you both enjoy such as seeing a movie, sitting in a cafe
[12], playing a sport, etc.
* Avoid being naive. While you may want to rescue the friendship, be
alert for signs that your friend is deliberately seeking to end
it. Given that this is an unthinkable prospect in a previously
loving, and caring connection, only resort to believing this is a
possibility if the signs make it extremely obvious, for example,
if your friend goes out of their way to avoid you, or stops
answering your calls [13], or can never be found by you but mutual
friends don't seem to have this problem, it's possible that your
friend is trying to end things. If this is the case, try to revive
things but don't beat yourself up if it fails because it's not
your fault and the other person has a made a choice that you can't
change.
* Find a compromise. Assuming your friend has talked and listened,
and both of you have cleared the air, look for ways that you can
reach compromises [14] on the things that have undermined your
friendship to this point and look for ways to set the relationship
back on track. If you mean as much to this person as they means to
you, through mutual compromising in the end you will have at least
made some progress in the right direction.
Show willingness to strengthen your friendship [15] and to avoid
growing apart ever again. Once you have worked through the
challenges facing your friendship and come to a shared solution,
show your friend how much they mean to you. Start creating new
memories and precious moments that will make the unpleasant page
in your common history look insignificant and never worth
mentioning again.
!! Video !!
!! Tips !!
* Share something important and personal or ask for advice on some
problem. This will stress on the definition of "friendship" - be
there for each other - and move the focus off the issue you are
trying to put behind.
* Do new, exciting things with your friend but also keep the
traditions you both enjoy. This will strengthen your relationship
even further.
!! Warnings !!
* Saving your friendship should never come at unbearable cost like
your and the other person's health and morale or those of the
people you two care about. Do not make or yield to such demands.
!! Related WikiHows !!
* How to Mend a Broken Friendship [16]
* How to Stop Loving Someone from a Broken Friendship [17]
* How to Fix a Friendship That Is Broken [18]
* How to Lose a Clingy Friend [19]
* How to Deal With a Friend That You Lost [20]
* How to Search on the Internet for a Long Lost Friend [21]
!! Article Tools !!
* Read on wikiHow
*
Links:
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[1] http://www.wikihow.com/Plan-a-Grand-Canyon-Vacation
[2] http://www.wikihow.com/Apologize
[3] http://www.wikihow.com/Accept-Blame-when-You-Deserve-It
[4] http://www.wikihow.com/Find-the-Perfect-Friend
[5] http://www.wikihow.com/Tell-if-You-Talk-Too-Much-and-What-to-Do-if-You-Do
[6] http://www.wikihow.com/Be-Diplomatic
[7] http://www.wikihow.com/Be-Patient
[8] http://www.wikihow.com/Survive-a-Deadline
[9] http://www.wikihow.com/Be-Honest
[10] http://www.wikihow.com/Understand-and-Admire-Cultural-Differences
[11] http://www.wikihow.com/Respect-Each-Other-at-Home
[12] http://www.wikihow.com/Begin-People-Watching
[13] http://www.wikihow.com/Get-a-Guy-to-Stop-Calling-You
[14] http://www.wikihow.com/Reach-a-Consensus
[15] http://www.wikihow.com/Strengthen-Bonds-With-Friends
[16] http://www.wikihow.com/Mend-a-Broken-Friendship
[17] http://www.wikihow.com/Stop-Loving-Someone-from-a-Broken-Friendship
[18] http://www.wikihow.com/Fix-a-Friendship-That-Is-Broken
[19] http://www.wikihow.com/Lose-a-Clingy-Friend
[20] http://www.wikihow.com/Deal-With-a-Friend-That-You-Lost
[21] http://www.wikihow.com/Search-on-the-Internet-for-a-Long-Lost-Friend
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