Sometimes, friends go out without you and you can feel pretty down
about it. Other times, you can be with people and feel incredibly
left out of the conversation or situation for one reason or another.
Keeping busy is one important means for helping move beyond feeling
morose, sad, or self-piteous, as is assessing the situation
realistically. Whether you're left at home wondering why you weren't
asked to join in, or you're right in the middle of action but feeling
lonely, here are some ways to cope and respond.
!! Steps !!
Be realistic. Everyone feels left out from time to time. Unless
you've fallen out with, or upset your friends somehow, being left
out this time is unlikely to be a regular occurrence. The worst
response to this type of situation is to feel sorry for yourself and
to sit tight waiting for someone else to solve your sorrow. White
knights don't charge in to mop up self-pity; only you can do that.
* You can make a choice to feel rotten and to berate your friends,
or you can make a choice to see this as a blip in your otherwise
very steady friendships.
* If you have had a disagreement with your friends, then it's time
to mend fences rather than to curtail your own enjoyment; staying
in a huff will only increase the hurt.
Smile. A smile can remedy many things, from your mood to your
attractiveness to others. You may not feel like smiling but doing so
will help you to feel much better, even if you're forcing it. This
is as important if you're left at home as when you're in a group of
people. It's a way of cheering yourself up and getting yourself
engaged in thinking good thoughts rather than sad ones.
Just what are they up to without me? Try not to read too much into
being left out of a situation. Sometimes people get caught up in all
sorts of self-justifying reasons as to why they don't have the time,
energy, or resources to ensure that all of their friends are invited
along to an event. Often, there will be legitimate reasons (even if
wrongly applied to you) as to why they didn't choose or think to ask
you along. For example, your friend may have thought you were
already busy with something else. Perhaps they assumed that you
weren't interested in the particular occasion, or thought they were
sparing your feelings from having to meet someone at the event whom
you no longer care for. If you feel they left you out when you're
around them, the explanation might be that your friends didn't
notice your discomfort, or they thought you were perfectly happy
talking with other people in the group.
* Always look for the simple explanation first. It could very well
be the best and truest, and the least bad faith interpretation of
your friends' motives.
Find something to do. Look for the good in the moment rather than
sinking into your feelings. When you feel left out, alone, or
abandoned, the best thing to do is to find something to do. This
will distract you from turning the left out feelings into something
bigger than they need to be and it will ensure that you're occupied
and happy rather than passively moping. For example:
* If you feel you've been stuck at home while your friends are out,
spoil yourself. Take a bubble-bath with your favorite scented
candles and a book. Or take a walk or a run with your iPod.
Exercise releases endorphins which make you feel happy.
Alternatively, you could go into town and go shopping, or browse.
Even if you don't buy anything, cruising the shops can be very
relaxing on your own.
* If you're at an occasion where your friends seem to have abandoned
you or aren't involving you in what they're doing, find your own
path. Strike up conversations with new people, offer to help out
with food, dare yourself to learn a new skill if you're at an
occasion where activities are being offered, or sit still and
write a poem or update your Twitter feed (just be sure not to
complain about your friends). Getting involved with other people
or activities is a good way to make the most of the occasion and
to ensure that you are not left twiddling your thumbs, feeling
helpless without your friends.
Talk to your friends about your feelings. Another very important
means for dealing with situations in which you feel left out by your
friends is to be direct and to tell them how you feel, as well as
asking them about their reasons for leaving you out. Let them know
that you felt left out by explaining what the occasion was and why
you wished they had asked you along or stayed with you at an event.
And it's also important to ask your friends politely why the
situation occurred as it did; don't assume they are to blame for
leaving you out, just ask considerate questions that can lead to a
fruitful dialog. You might say something like:
* "I was really disappointed when you guys went rollerblading last
Saturday and didn't ask me along too. I know I was tired Friday
night but I was up for doing things on Saturday and it wasn't
until X told me you guys were out there that I knew I'd not been
asked to come too. Was there any reason why you didn't think to
ask me too?"
* "I loved the party we went to last week but I felt that you and X
abandoned me. That new guy was not interested in talking to me and
when I looked for you two, I couldn't find you anywhere and I felt
really left out because I didn't know anyone else. What happened
to you both? Did you realize that I was all alone at the party?".
Listen openly to your friends' responses. They may be surprised that
you felt left out. They may tell you that your recent illness/recent
break-up/visiting relatives/lack of funds/parental control,
whatever, were a reason behind their choice not to include you. Use
this as an opportunity to set straight any assumptions they may hold
that caused them to mistakenly leave you out.
* Be honest with yourself. Have you done things to cause your
friends to want to leave you out? For instance, have you been
demanding, pushy, or thoughtless about their needs lately? Or
perhaps you have overcrowded them a little. This may be the reason
they left you out in the first place, to find space and peace. If
this is the case, own up to it, apologize, and be determined to
make changes.
Be proactive and arrange things to do with your friends. If you
think that part of being left out may be due to your own situation
making things harder for friends to know when to involve you (for
example, a heavy study schedule, long work hours, home
responsibilities, hobby or sports commitments, etc.), then help them
by making suggestions that fit in with your schedule. Being out of
sight can sometimes lead to you being out of mind. They'll soon let
you know if they can't make the time but most likely your attempt to
meet halfway will be appreciated. It might be the cinema, or just
grabbing some coffee with them. But it'll make you feel part of the
friendship again.
* When you initiate the activities with friends, this provides an
excellent opportunity to ferret out any negative agenda that may
have been occurring. If they refuse your suggestions several
times, then it may have a deeper meaning that your "friendship"
isn't so friendly anymore. On the other hand, you may find that
they're really happy that you're finally taking the initiative to
organize some of the things to do together.
If your friends continue to leave you out, heed the message. In the
case where you are always left behind or ignored, then it's time to
face up to the reality that you can't count on these people as
"friends". Purposeful, continued leaving you out, and condescending
comments are a sign that they're using you and deliberately hurting
you. In that case, it's time to find people who respect and care
about you. While this may be hard to face initially, it's a much
easier choice than sticking around with people who keep bringing you
down and treating you like a doormat. You know you deserve much
better than that and real friends don't bring you down.
* Value yourself. If you allow people into your life as "friends"
who behave in ways that hurt you, you are devaluing your worth and
allowing them to call the shots. Valuing yourself means
recognizing their negative behavior and protecting yourself from
it. Choose your friends wisely.
!! Video !!
!! Tips !!
* Base your life on what you choose to do and involve yourself in;
not doing so risks insecurity and a life directed by others. It
can be really easy sometimes to let our more effusive, socially
inclined friends to arrange our social life for us, only to
realize when they aren't doing this that we've forgotten to keep
up our own end of the bargain. Always remember how to keep
yourself entertained, and how to ask others to do things with you
for a change instead of expecting to always be asked by them.
!! Warnings !!
* Don't dwell on people who choose to leave you out as a means for
ending a friendship or saying something they're too cautious or
scared to say openly. Not all friendships last and it's more
important to recognize the incompatibility for what it is rather
than blaming yourself for it or putting yourself down.
!! Related WikiHows !!
* How to Be Busy
* How to Keep a Busy Life Organized
* How to Cope With Feeling Alone at Night
* How to Cope With a Lonely Valentine's Day
* How to Help a Lonely Friend
!! Article Tools !!
* Read on wikiHow
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