They say opposites attract. Whether that's true
or not, when two people come together in
matrimony, there is a lot of change and adapting
that needs to take place. Living together with
someone will bring you face to face with all
sorts of differences you weren't aware existed
between the two of you prior to marriage.
All in all, the key is to stay strong. Differences can be overcome
with communication and compromise; these are what separates a lasting
relationship from a short lived one.
Nevertheless, the meeting of a neat freak and a slob can be a volatile
combination in a household, as one person runs about tidying up what
the other person believes doesn't need to be touched. Coming together
on common ground can take time but it _is_ possible!
!! Steps !!
_ Write a list of the top five things that annoy
you the most about your spouse's neat freak habits. It need not be
five exactly, but keep the number relatively low. Then, write down
ways to compromise [1] on what you dislike about the habit, and what
you're willing to do as your part of the compromise. The idea behind
doing this is that you'll present these concerns to your spouse, or
at least use this as to brainstorm what to say to your spouse, along
with factual situations to back up your points. For example:
* "I dislike how my wife shifts all of my book piles away from the
side of my bed. I propose we buy a bookcase to put them in so that
I stop making piles and she stops moving them out of the bedroom."
* I dislike how my husband keeps shifting the pantry goods around
into an order that he thinks works. It'd be okay if he did most of
the cooking but he doesn't and I can't find anything. I propose we
spend an afternoon sorting the pantry into an order that works
principally for me but that he understands well enough to use as
it is and to leave my order alone."
* "I dislike how my spouse washes the towels after every single use.
It's a waste of water and I can't bear clean towels every day as
they're not soft. I propose that we have a talk about why my
spouse needs to do this and to perhaps find a way of keeping my
towel unwashed for a week."
* "I hate the arguments we have about my clothes piles. I'll be the
first to admit they're messy but I don't have time or the interest
in doing much else while our bedroom is such a mess. I propose
that we visit a bedroom storage store together and find really
easy-to-use storage containers that I can dump my clothes into so
that she feels happier and I don't feel like it's so hard to keep
the piles from happening."
* Sit down with your spouse at a time you're
both relaxed [2], calm, and in no hurry to get anywhere. A weekend
is a good time, or perhaps during a vacation.
Begin addressing the situation by telling your
spouse the problem. Naturally, avoid the use
of accusing words or phrases, such as "You
always shift my books before I've had a chance
to read them! You think they're better off in
the bookcase but that just means they don't
get read!" In just saying that you have told
your spouse that it's their fault that the
books aren't getting read and that they
"always" do something to annoy you. That is
not going to win over your spouse and is a
sure argument starter. Instead use "I
messages," speaking from your feelings. For
example:
* "I'm feeling frustrated with how you _____ (i.e. organize my
shirts). It makes me feel like I'm not supportive of you because
I'm not as neat, and I don't like that."
* "I'm feeling upset when my desk is cleaned [3] without asking me.
I have a method to my mess and I can't find things for days after
it's cleaned up and that holds up my work progress."
* Let your spouse say something if they wish.
If your spouse gets defensive, stay calm. Wait until they're done,
and then propose your compromises, explaining why you chose those
particular habits in a non-accusing [4] manner. This is a big leap
on your behalf because you're acknowledging that you are making a
choice to be slobbish and that you realize that some habits can
certainly be changed; be sure to acknowledge this fact openly.
Finding a compromise may mean things aren\'t ideal but they are
livableSpend some time exploring options for compromise. In the
first step, you already broached the possibilities for
compromise by coming up with your_ ideas for compromises.
You\'ll need to ask for your spouse\'s thoughts on compromises
and reach agreed a middle ground that fixes up most of the
problem for both of you. Don\'t worry [5] if you need to make
several attempts at reaching the right coping space. It's all
part of being open with one another and trying out things until
the rhythm of your home life together works better.
* Make an action plan. In this plan, prioritize which rooms will
remain less cluttered than before so that there is a "middle
ground" (living room, bedroom, etc.) and set aside one part of the
house each in which clutter or total cleanliness is always
permitted. In addition, plan to share chores daily or weekly in
small amounts.
* Discuss your partner's feelings about the
compromises. After trying them out for a bit, if the compromises
seem unfair to either one of you, go back to the drawing board and
renegotiate them. Be open, and realize that old habits die hard.
Both of you will need to leave room for erring and reorienting
doing the things that you're used to doing "just so".
Don't over stress [6] if your partner is
unwilling or unproductive with the
compromises. Show them the compromises work.
If they start to falter, hold up your side of
the compromise and in doing so, help them to
notice that it's important to you, and as
such, should be to them. This is about your
relationship, after all.
* Keep in mind that progress is measured differently by the neat
freak and by the clutter slob. For the slob, clearing up takes a
lot more time and effort, and includes a lot of emotional churning
to deal with the clutter. For the neat freak, anger can build up
into resentment that things aren't improving fast enough and it's
important to learn to stifle the criticism and to control the
frustration realizing that the time needed is probably longer than
the neat freak would like.
Be patient [7]. Change takes time. Realize
that this is a gradual process; neither of you
can make a decision to no longer be a neat
freak or a slob because that characteristic as
a whole is made up of very many little parts,
each one needing tackling. The most important
thing is to tackle the particular habits that
cause either of you to feel discomfort,
unhappiness, or outright annoyance and to
learn to live with the rest.
* Look for the silver linings – there are many. For example, a
neat freak keeps things tidy and in good shape so that you can
receive those visitors and don't succumb to hoarding too much. And
a slob lets a neat freak learn to let down their hair now and then
and not worry so much if the sofa cover it slightly awry or the
books aren't dusted this week. Both of you have a wonderful
opportunity to learn much from one another about compromise,
acceptance, and learning to love the negative parts about
ourselves we often try to bury.
!! Video !!
!! Tips !!
* Start small, then work your way to the best compromise.
* Don't give up, but don't be too stubborn. Keep your mind open to
your spouse's feelings, but stay firm on your own.
!! Warnings !!
* Don't forget, _you_ have to sacrifice too. This is a shared
journey of compromises, not a one-way fix.
* Be aware that sometimes your spouse may have a psychological issue
in need of treatment. For example, cluttering can occur as a
result of depression or hoarding disorder; neat freaks might
suffer from perfectionism in overdrive or obsessive compulsive
disorder. Take care to address these possibilities with a mental
health professional if needed. And be understanding if your spouse
suffers from a mental illness that is adding to the household
challenges.
!! Things You\'ll Need !!
* Storage items (optional)
!! Related WikiHows !!
* How to Go from Lazy Slob to Clean Freak [8]
* How to Make up a Bed Neatly [9]
* How to Keep Your Office Table Clean and Neat [10]
* How to Keep Your Books Neat [11]
* How to Be a Neat Freak [12]
!! Article Tools !!
* Read on wikiHow
*
Links:
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[1] http://www.wikihow.com/Compromise-With-Your-Spouse
[2] http://www.wikihow.com/Relax
[3] http://www.wikihow.com/Clean-Up-Your-Desk
[4] http://www.wikihow.com/Avoid-Being-Accused-of-Flirting
[5] http://www.wikihow.com/Image:The-toy-cupboard-Project-365%282%29-Day-80.jpg
[6] http://www.wikihow.com/Relieve-Stress
[7] http://www.wikihow.com/Be-Patient
[8] http://www.wikihow.com/Go-from-Lazy-Slob-to-Clean-Freak
[9] http://www.wikihow.com/Make-up-a-Bed-Neatly
[10] http://www.wikihow.com/Keep-Your-Office-Table-Clean-and-Neat
[11] http://www.wikihow.com/Keep-Your-Books-Neat
[12] http://www.wikihow.com/Be-a-Neat-Freak
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